The Paramour

In my case the woman was a work colleague of my husband’s who I had discounted due to her looking ugly on her photo, despite evidence to imply it was her. I know my husband wasn’t looking for an affair and he has said that looking back, she kept coming to him with work issues instead of her mentor. He has also said he was confused that she kept kissing him (of which I pointed out she wouldn’t have kept kissing him had he not kissed back, giving her the wrong signals). So why does a woman, who knows that a man is married with children, consider him open to a new relationship with her? Despite her having been in the office for a couple of years I have never met this woman.

First I thought she must have been after something, sleeping her way to the top so to speak, she demanded a promotion shortly after they had slept together. I have never hated anyone in my life, but I really hate her. Why? you may ask, when it was my husband’s choice as a married father to say yes to her and give the green light that he wanted a relationship with her. I hate her because without her giving him the opportunity I know he wouldn’t have considered seeking an affair. He was in a bad place mentally and vulnerable.  She made it obvious to him she was interested in him and he was flattered by the female attention so didn’t say no. She had no morals and considered him fair game when any decent woman would have put boundaries knowing there was a wife and children.

Sadly, men don’t stop to consider they are entering into a relationship with someone who does not respect the boundaries of relationships (which is probably not very important to him because he also shows no respect for marital boundaries).

My husband, he tells me, has never given the impression that he was unhappy or unsatisfied in his marriage. At work many other colleagues know me and the children and can see we have a great relationship and a great family. She has never seen me, the children, or us as a couple. If she had then maybe she would have not crossed that boundary.

Affairs (especially office affairs) are on the rise. First you must know, the Other Woman has NOTHING that you don’t. Instead, your man will cheat with her because of what she has to offer him. I my case it would appear he needed the admiration and ego boost.  Women that set their sights on married men often do so by unleashing their feminine power and the men become enthralled, usually before they realise what they are walking away from.  The Other Woman knows how to make your man feel excited, charged, appreciated, and adored. The rush of excitement he feels from the attention and adoration give him a rush of adrenaline which can become quite addictive. This rush is similar to how he felt when he first met you.  Sadly, while the man is wrapped up in the thrill of the other woman’s attention, he does not focus on the long term effects of his actions.

Whether his plans with this woman include an exciting short term affair or building a lasting, long term relationship with her, there is one thing he does not stop to consider – you.

These women love the challenge of getting a married man to compromise his marriage and family and obtain a sense of fulfillment and victory when he chooses to be with her over his wife, mistakenly thinking she is better and more attractive otherwise he wouldn’t be interested.  When in fact research proves the other woman has little to offer and the wife is far more attractive physically and emotionally.

I have never been ‘the other woman’ and would have never entertained the idea of seducing a married man, this already makes me a better person, I have morals and  I have never needed to resort to stealing another woman’s husband/boyfriend and after being on the receiving end I never will.

I have contacted her a few times. In the beginning, mainly anger towards her was projected through two emails, each time she just ran to my husband who said he would ‘deal’ with me, shut me up basically. Four months into healing I decided I would write a heart felt letter to her, explaining the jigsaw analogy, and how she is holding the missing piece. That I need to know if he is still lying because if that is the case I don’t want to stay with him. That although I am angry with my husband, we are trying to work through this and understand this as a couple, he gets his chance to make amends. She doesn’t, she is just ‘the other woman’.

I pleaded with her, that for the sake of my children and the family she has helped destroy, that she write to me and explain her story, that way she can make amends too by helping restore the family she has nearly broken up and give my children back some stability and I would benefit from knowing she was a real person with real feelings.

I was actually beginning to feel sorry for her, the way my husband had treated her made me ashamed of him. I thought if my husband had found her that attractive and sweet (his words) she must be a nice person. However, to prove to me she had an ulterior motive, a cold heart and no morals, she went running to my husband saying I had written another nasty letter and that he should deal with me before she gets lawyers involved. She has a cold heart and has no morals, otherwise she would care and she doesn’t.

People who know her have described her as arrogant, pushy and manipulative.  She obviously used her female charm and manipulated my husband well as he thought she was ‘sweet’.

Many websites based on affairs discourage contacting the paramour, but I think if you feel that you need to in order to make sense of the affair, your marriage and your self, then you should, but think very carefully about what you say and try not to be bitter and angry.

I don’t regret writing to her, the way she has reacted has allowed me to see that she doesn’t care at all, is selfish and immoral. I no longer feel ashamed of my husband for the way he treated her, I feel sorry for my husband that he succumbed to this type of woman when he was vulnerable.

Letter from my husband to the other woman 24th November 2012

Hi *******

I hope this email finds you well.

We haven’t spoken for a while and probably won’t be as we are both rather busy. I therefore thought we should have closure on what happened this year in order for all of us to move on. I feel that I first need to apologise for what has gone on and also try to explain.

As ***  shared with you, I have told her the truth about what happened and we are trying to make sense of it all. The sentiment of her letter in her previous email was correct, even though some of the details of what happened between us were wrong at the time.

Last year, when we first kissed, I put it down to the two of us being drunk and didn’t think anything of it despite never having done anything like it before. When you began to show me more attention earlier this year, I started to enjoy it but it was still a surprise you kissed me, especially since I wasn’t attracted to you in that way. As you may recall, I mentioned many times how I enjoyed our friendship and chats, but I was not looking for sex or love. I should have made this clearer at the time. Looking back, my heavy workload, the stress from the work situation, my constant travelling taking me away from my home and family, all contributed to a feeling of loneliness that your attention allowed me to escape from. At the time, anyone would have got the same reaction.

I have been asked a few times to explain why it happened and as I try to understand my behaviour and recall the event, it feels like it was someone else. It feels like I was in a bubble, especially in Paris, and not related to my real life. I didn’t want a physical relationship with you, just enjoyed our friendship.

I think that you already picked up on it when it hit me and I realised that I had been overtaken by events. I love my wife and family and I didn’t want you in that way.  It was and felt wrong.

*** is right when she says we have a very strong, healthy, loving and passionate relationship. She is gorgeous in every way and I could never love another woman like her. I don’t want or need another woman. We are still strong, but damaged, and I have never and will never stop loving her. I am sorry if I led you to believe differently, I genuinely don’t know why I let it happen, I didn’t want it to happen, and I should have said something to you from the start.

I know this has made working together difficult but want to reassure you that this is the last you will hear of this.

All the best,

****




Healing from my husband’s affair with a work colleague carolin bonin

5 responses to “The Paramour

  1. Very interesting details you have observed , regards for posting . “Oh, what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive” by Sir Walter Scott.

  2. I have asked my husband to write ‘the other woman’ a letter or call her in front of me, confirming that he is working out things out with me (his wife) and he refuses to do both. He says that she ‘the other woman’ knows that he wouldn’t leave her for me and she knows that he is working things out with me but it was unspoken words. So how i’m i to know for sure they have ended the affair?

    • This is just something your husband has to do in order to prove he has cut all ties with the OW and show you he is serious about your marriage. Any marriage guidance book to help with marriage after an affair states this as most important. My husband did do a letter for me to see and emailed it to her in front of me. It is very important to do. Even if its uncomfortable for him, for the same of you and your marriage it has to be done. It also helps rebuild some lost trust, without it there’s no rebuilding. Try and get your husband to read some things on the topic, otherwise it just looks like the affair hasn’t ended or he’s not serious about rebuilding what he’s destroyed x

  3. I have mentioned again to him that he must do a letter to show me confirmation that the relationship is over, he hasn’t given me a response as yet. I told him he isn’t being transparent enough and that my trust in him would never be able to get back to where it use to be. I’m praying for the best that’s all that is left to do.

    • Maybe get him to read or listen to the book ‘helping your spouse heal from your affair, it worked for my husband. It lists 15 essential things the husband must do if he truly loves you and wants the marriage to work. Without these things I wouldn’t be even able to consider staying with him. Luckily he is trying his best to stay with me, the only thing left is the communication with the OW as she still works at his office and it is a living nightmare for me.

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