The Reasons Given by my Husband to have an Affair
Since the truth was told about my husband’s affair, I still think about it all the time, every spare thought I have is to given to why did it happen? Why and how could he have an affair, how could he do this to me? The thoughts consume me, I have learnt to accept the affair happened and I cannot undo what is done. Now I am able to just think without getting too upset, but sometimes these thoughts are overwhelming and I still breakdown. The reality is I will have to learn to cope with these emotions if I am to stay with my husband and carry them for life.
During these months of searching for reasons and explanations as to why he had an affair, I have come across a wonderful analogy.
My husband completed a jigsaw of which the ‘other woman’ was a part, they both shared this picture and could see it clearly. I have then been asked to do the same jigsaw, come to an understanding of this jigsaw, but there are some pieces missing which means I cannot evaluate what I see as it isn’t complete. It’s confusing, as I need all the pieces to be able to understand clearly and make an informed judgment on what I see. Only when I have completed the jigsaw will I be able to see it clearly.
The pieces are the details of the affair, so collect as much detail as you feel you need to make some sense of being betrayed by your husband. My husband has eventually helped me with this and I can see more clearly, although I am still unsure as there is one large piece missing for me, that is her story.
Recently I found this explanation that reiterates how my husband explains his affair.
Understanding How a Husband Can Compartmentalise His Affair
Men are totally able to compartmentalise and separate their love for you and the affair.
Most often, an affair has less to do with you than you may think. Men cheat because they are trying to awaken or fix something within themselves. Maybe they’re feeling old. Maybe their self-esteem is low. Maybe they need reassurance that they are still attractive and virile. Maybe they mistakenly think that this will bring more excitement in their life. Whatever it is, obviously, they should have shared this with you and sought a solution. But, often they won’t do this because they don’t want to let you see this vulnerability. They are ashamed of this and would rather bottle it up and “take care of the situation” themselves. They will often justify this by telling themselves that they are sparing you these issues and the pain that it would cause.
His work situation at the time was probably the worst it had ever been and he says ‘unique’, meaning it won’t ever happen again. He took to chatting about the situation with this ‘other woman’ as he says I wasn’t listening to him. Which I was, but the severity of it wasn’t something I couldn’t help with or discuss. The amount of time spent away from home and the demands placed on him at work meant that he was working all hours with little time for a personal life. I am not making excuses but things were difficult and the balance on work and life was swayed heavily in favour of work. It is true that I resented his job because of this, but I was obviously right to be worried if an affair is how he dealt with it.
His work had an impact on me too. I suddenly became isolated and alone in my own marriage, my husband would stay up late working or travel never giving time to me and little time to our children, he would be impossible to get hold of and rarely return calls/texts/emails. This is why I resented his job, it had taken my husband away from me and I was starved of affection. He apparently saw my requests for time as nagging and not as a need unfulfilled. Had he made this time for me, us, he would have been happier and I would have definitely been happier.
On reading the books it is clear that we had a child centred marriage, which meant we did little for us as a couple, therefore ignoring the needs of each other as a person. This is primarily because we don’t live near family and babysitters are costly. We used to be able to stay at my parents and they would look after the children every couple of months, but my sister has never left home and has since had a child so we have lost this as an option for getting away. We have now given up our spare room and have an excellent au pair, which allows us more freedom to escape as a couple.
Why did he have an affair?
Despite the circumstances at home and work my husband still chose to embark on an affair, it was a choice he made, no one else. He often calls it the biggest mistake of his life, but a mistake is done unintentionally and he had every intention of doing this and carrying it on.
Despite knowing he was married with children and despite the fact he was her boss, he did go through with the affair. The fact is, he is married. She knew that, he didn’t care enough about that and acted selfishly. When she made advances and he knew he was married, supposedly still very much in love with his wife and family, why does he not walk away. This he still has not answered, he doesn’t know why he chose to betray me and our marriage.
He was incapable or didn’t want to walk away from the affair with her. For me this means that he was too flattered and keen to be with her, that it became irrelevant to him as he wanted it too much. Every piece of research I have done says the man doesn’t necessarily find the ‘other woman’ physically attractive but that they find the appeal in the way he is portrayed through her eyes. This means next time he is feeling low and someone flatters him who he quite likes there is a high risk of him doing it again. This time he could have lost everything for her, so even the risks meant nothing to him.
My husband is a high risk. He has a great job, is the boss for a large amount of young women, well paid, travels with work and is well educated. I am now not blind to the fact that he can betray me, I naively thought his love for me, our wedding vows meant more to him. I am also sure there will be other young women who try to get his attention in the future. As she got a promotion shortly after they were seen kissing by someone in the office and, as it turned out, shortly after they had had sex, I am now worried that other young professional women will see this as an easy way to get ahead in their careers – my husband has now become an easy target.
He is a great man, very personable, not bad looking and a pleasure to be around. He has a lot a woman would want, plus some women see a married man as someone who has demonstrated a willing to commit, this is something that they desire in a man. So I have always considered myself lucky to be with him, I am so proud of what he has achieved. Sadly I admired and respected him for the commitment he had made to the family, and I, and this I have lost.