The Reasons Given by my Husband to have an Affair

Since the truth was told about my husband’s affair, I still think about it all the time, every spare thought I have is to given to why did it happen? Why and how could he have an affair, how could he do this to me? The thoughts consume me, I have learnt to accept the affair happened and I cannot undo what is done.  Now I am able to just think without getting too upset, but sometimes these thoughts are overwhelming and I still breakdown.  The reality is I will have to learn to cope with these emotions if I am to stay with my husband and carry them for life.

During these months of searching for reasons and explanations as to why he had an affair, I have come across a wonderful analogy.

Jigsaw Analogy

My husband completed a jigsaw of which the ‘other woman’ was a part, they both shared this picture and could see it clearly.  I have then been asked to do the same jigsaw, come to an understanding of this jigsaw, but there are some pieces missing which means I cannot evaluate what I see as it isn’t complete.  It’s confusing, as I need all the pieces to be able to understand clearly and make an informed judgment on what I see.  Only when I have completed the jigsaw will I be able to see it clearly.

The pieces are the details of the affair, so collect as much detail as you feel you need to make some sense of being betrayed by your husband.  My husband has eventually helped me with this and I can see more clearly, although I am still unsure as there is one large piece missing for me, that is her story.

Recently I found this explanation that reiterates how my husband explains his affair.

 Understanding How a Husband Can Compartmentalise His Affair

Men are totally able to compartmentalise and separate their love for you and the affair.

Most often, an affair has less to do with you than you may think.  Men cheat because they are trying to awaken or fix something within themselves.  Maybe they’re feeling old.  Maybe their self-esteem is low.  Maybe they need reassurance that they are still attractive and virile.  Maybe they mistakenly think that this will bring more excitement in their life. Whatever it is, obviously, they should have shared this with you and sought a solution.  But, often they won’t do this because they don’t want to let you see this vulnerability.  They are ashamed of this and would rather bottle it up and “take care of the situation” themselves.  They will often justify this by telling themselves that they are sparing you these issues and the pain that it would cause.

Exceptional Circumstances

His work situation at the time was probably the worst it had ever been and he says ‘unique’, meaning it won’t ever happen again.  He took to chatting about the situation with this ‘other woman’ as he says I wasn’t listening to him.  Which I was, but the severity of it wasn’t something I couldn’t help with or discuss.  The amount of time spent away from home and the demands placed on him at work meant that he was working all hours with little time for a personal life.  I am not making excuses but things were difficult and the balance on work and life was swayed heavily in favour of work.  It is true that I resented his job because of this, but I was obviously right to be worried if an affair is how he dealt with it.

His work had an impact on me too.  I suddenly became isolated and alone in my own marriage, my husband would stay up late working or travel never giving time to me and little time to our children, he would be impossible to get hold of and rarely return calls/texts/emails.  This is why I resented his job, it had taken my husband away from me and I was starved of affection.  He apparently saw my requests for time as nagging and not as a need unfulfilled. Had he made this time for me, us, he would have been happier and I would have definitely been happier.

On reading the books it is clear that we had a child centred marriage, which meant we did little for us as a couple, therefore ignoring the needs of each other as a person.  This is primarily because we don’t live near family and babysitters are costly.  We used to be able to stay at my parents and they would look after the children every couple of months, but my sister has never left home and has since had a child so we have lost this as an option for getting away.  We have now given up our spare room and have an excellent au pair, which allows us more freedom to escape as a couple.

Why did he have an affair?

Despite the circumstances at home and work my husband still chose to embark on an affair, it was a choice he made, no one else. He often calls it the biggest mistake of his life, but a mistake is done unintentionally and he had every intention of doing this and carrying it on.

Despite knowing he was married with children and despite the fact he was her boss, he did go through with the affair.  The fact is, he is married.  She knew that, he didn’t care enough about that and acted selfishly.  When she made advances and he knew he was married, supposedly still very much in love with his wife and family, why does he not walk away.  This he still has not answered, he doesn’t know why he chose to betray me and our marriage.

He was incapable or didn’t want to walk away from the affair with her.  For me this means that he was too flattered and keen to be with her, that it became irrelevant to him as he wanted it too much.  Every piece of research I have done says the man doesn’t necessarily find the ‘other woman’ physically attractive but that they find the appeal in the way he is portrayed through her eyes.  This means next time he is feeling low and someone flatters him who he quite likes there is a high risk of him doing it again.  This time he could have lost everything for her, so even the risks meant nothing to him.

My husband is a high risk.  He has a great job, is the boss for a large amount of young women, well paid, travels with work and is well educated.  I am now not blind to the fact that he can betray me, I naively thought his love for me, our wedding vows meant more to him. I am also sure there will be other young women who try to get his attention in the future.  As she got a promotion shortly after they were seen kissing by someone in the office and, as it turned out, shortly after they had had sex, I am now worried that other young professional women will see this as an easy way to get ahead in their careers – my husband has now become an easy target.

He is a great man, very personable, not bad looking and a pleasure to be around.  He has a lot a woman would want, plus some women see a married man as someone who has demonstrated a willing to commit, this is something that they desire in a man.  So I have always considered myself lucky to be with him, I am so proud of what he has achieved. Sadly I admired and respected him for the commitment he had made to the family, and I, and this I have lost.

Healing from my husband’s affair with a work colleague carolin bonin

5 responses to “Reasons

  1. Everything i have read that you have wrote, oddly feels like it’s me telling my experience with my husband’s affair. My husband is the boss of his own company and his work requires him to be away a lot too. The person he had his affair with was one of his employees, and they spent a lot of time together. He would give her rides to and from work, even go to lunch together. Wow!

    • It is incredibly scary! It is also a very sad reality that 50% of marriages, even really good strong marriages, are affected by affairs. A high proportion are worked based affairs. Due to the long hours, stress and as in yours and my case, travelling, it can make husbands become closer and spend more time with the OW. I don’t know about your husband but mine has said he was just lucky, circumstances took him away from home more, he had a very stressful situation he was using her to resolve, general work pressure was increased which led him to feel very low, depressed even. So he says she was just lucky that she caught him in this state and. He didn’t look for it or even want it. Not much comfort for me now struggling with his affair and now feeling vulnerable myself. Keep strong. X

  2. OMG, same here…almost close to my husband’s affair except that he is not a boss of a company though he earn a decent living & we live rather comfortably. Its been more than 2 years now but my heart still breaks everytime I think about their disgusting affair. My husband is totally an ‘exemplary husband’ thru everyone’s eyes cause no one knows what truly happened except for a couple of trusted friend. He is truly remorseful and treats me like a queen now. Even then, I could never forget nor forgive him for ruining my life! We are still together now & though a part of heart died, our marriage survives. I still think of revenge from time to time but thinking of God, help refrain myself from doing so . Fast forward…. I now see my husband with a lots of love & affection but at times I just go crazy and torture him by reminding him of all their sexting msgs & his bad taste for a low & unattractive married woman. I have to admit that the tears on his face is priceless….May God help me!

  3. My husband answer to what started the attraction was the attention he was getting from the OW . I saw all the comments she would text him on how great he was, knowing he was married didn’t matter to her . My husband has always made people feel very comfortable and is easily approachable. I have often mentioned to him that he was letting women get too close especially with their personal problems but he always thought I read into it too much. I think women love older men with money and power especially if they show commitment…..what makes them so vulnerable with flattery? I have had times when I worked at the hospital when I received that kind of attention but never did it make me vulnerable to an affair. I could have never come home and looked my spouse in the eyes or even looked myself in the mirror without being sick ….I guess I will never understand, loyalty has always been the most important thing for me in a marriage . I asked my husband what was the most important thing, his answer unconditional love, of course.

    • Sounds like my husband! She gave him an ego boost at a stressful time at work, he was very low and vulnerable, she showed him attention and he liked it. Some people will say he wasn’t getting that attention at home, but he was when he was available. He insisted on working all hours and broke our communication, told me the stress at work was for only six months, so I stepped back. Me stepping back and letting him work all hours allowed her to manipulate him by stroking his ego and making him feel alive. He has said he enjoyed the attention and looking back he was blind and stupid, living in a bubble and didn’t think about me or the kids, just himself.

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