14th September 2012 The day I wrote to my husband saying I’d had enough of his work/life balance and the neglect for me and his children. Also the day I let him know I knew something by asking ‘why are you deleting texts from C*****n?’ He broke down in tears and told me he was so depressed earlier this year and had thought about taking his own life. Made up all the excuses as to why he would delete texts. I didn’t believe it and he didn’t know I was already suspicious.
29th September 2012 By now I was a wreck, I was sure he was lying and that there was more to this relationship. I demanded he stay at home and save his marriage by telling me, I was crying and shaking, yet trying to remain hopeful that it was all in my imagination. He was so quiet and reluctant to talk, I knew, I knew it was an affair, but he continued to lie his way out of it. Nothing added up, I became more distressed, more irate and more sure I was right. This didn’t make a difference to him, he could see what it was doing to me and continued to lie. This was the day I emailed this other woman to let her know I knew.
8th October 2012 (from this day on I kept a diary, I have put this on the website so others in my situation can see the feelings are normal) Desperately sad today, I feel numb and that my life is not worth living. I’m not eating and not sleeping and feel like I have died inside. My world has been taken from me without me having a choice. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I do feel safe and reassured in his arms, but the whole of my life has been destroyed. Things will never be the same.
email 9th October 2012 “I really cant do this anymore, it’s pretending everything is ok when it isn’t. As much as I love you I cannot get the images of you both out of my head, what you may have felt for each other, what you may have said to each other, where you may have touched each other, images of you both walking around the streets pretending to be a couple hand in hand. It makes me sick and sad. You say you have told me everything, I can’t trust you, I don’t believe you have. My life is gone, snatched away by the man I thought the world of, who I trusted, loved and supported. I gave up everything for you and look how you repay me. I am in shock, numb, nothing left of me, empty. What you want is just not going to happen, I’m irreversibly scarred. You should move out, let me heal, let it be over.”
15th October 2012 I am very angry today, for the amount of hurt and pain he has caused me and our children who are suffering too. The old me has died, my love for him is dying, he is not the man I thought I’d married. I am so confused and heartbroken, numb. I can’t see a future anymore and I look at you in a different light, I don’t believe you and don’t trust you. I feel suicidal at times, what’s the point in carrying on as it will never be the same and I will never be the same. I resent him for taking my life.
16th October 2012 Today he has an evening appointment which has left me lonely, anxious, very sad, feeling sick and crying in my bed. I am checking Find my iphone constantly. Never been so unhappy.
17th October 2012 Not feeling as angry today, but still so sad and numb. I feel like I don’t know him at all, when I look at him I don’t even recognise the man I fell in love with, but deep down I know I do love the person I remember, but he just looks so different to me now, almost like a stranger. I am trying to love the new version in the way I loved the old version and it’s not working. I still can’t forgive him, but hoping one day I’ll accept and be able to move on, be happy again. At the moment I am only happy cuddling in bed. My heart is truly broken and will never completely heal, scars fade but you’re still scarred forever. Can I still be with him knowing he’s caused infinite pain?
18th October 2012 I woke in a very sad mood, he is so busy with work, he doesn’t need me sad and depressed. He feels he has to be with me, which he does, but I feel like I am in the way. I feel like I have failed my children which makes me sad and cry more. How do I know who he is with right now?
19th October 2012 I’m really trying but can’t get over the strong emotions he had, that he would lie and want to be with another woman, have sex and jeopardise his entire life to be with her. At the same time making me feel sad, lonely and abandoned. How can he do that and still say he loved me then and always has? I don’t feel like he loved me and his actions are clearly not that of someone who loves their wife. I still feel like he is not telling me everything, so I find it hard to accept and move forward as I still feel lied to.
20th October 2012 He insisted we all go with him to a meeting in Paris, spend the weekend there. I think I feel happy when I wake up. Maybe it’s the change of scene. I still have a gut feeling that he is not telling me something or lying. My intuition has been right all along, so probably is now. This makes it so hard to move on and makes it so hard to trust anything he says. At lunch he is with us physically but not with us as he is preoccupied in his thoughts, I hope it’s work and temporary. We had a really nice evening and I feel happy and before I know it he is on the bed in his pj’s reading a magazine. Despite me laying next to him wanting attention and asking that he put the magazine down, I’m still ignored.
21st October 2012 Fairly happy waking up, the day went well with only a few negative thoughts, wondering what they did in Paris and where they did ‘it’ in Paris. Still wondering why and how he could do this if he loves me so much like he says he does, I just can’t understand. The evening was hard as we took a bus ride which allowed too much time for thinking, so many questions and doubts. We then went to visit Notre Dame and it just reminds me or our broken wedding vows and the promises we made to each other. All my memories are now ruined, tainted with false promises, the memories don’t mean anything now. I can no longer look back at my wedding and be happy. I feel like he should at least go to confession as a way of showing remorse. Why was he so compelled by her? Why did his feelings for me change and send him to her? He felt more strongly for her at that moment than for his life with me. I felt down all evening.
email 21st October 2012 “I love you, I know I do, I always have and always will. You’ve done a terrible thing, you have hurt me, betrayed me and continued to lie, which I never thought you’d do because I thought you loved me as much as I love you. When I think, of what you’ve done, how you were feeling, prepared to lie and betray the woman you made a promise to love, how I felt at the time and now, I am very very sad, depressed even. My memories of the last seventeen years are marked, the happiness of the memories gone. When I look to the future I’m scared. Scared that you’ve ruined everything, that our love won’t be the same, that I’ll never trust you again, that my heart is forever broken and that our children’s hearts could be broken too. At the moment I’m living each day as it comes with sadness, uncertainty, love and hope. Hoping that my love for you will repair the damage and that you’ll try and prove your love to me more than ever. I almost feel hypocritical wearing my wedding ring. I don’t know how long this will take, but I am desperately sad, and again tonight lonely. Yes, I’m crying. Try to be less selfish and think about what your job does to me and the kids. I do want you to give up your job, but that’s your choice and as always I love you enough to put up with the crap that your job brings, doesn’t mean I like it, just means I love you. Yes, I compare myself to ‘her’. Not that I think she is good looking at all, I even think she is not good enough for you, but I now feel old, ugly and worthless, despite the E cup breasts. Almost like it was inevitable that you would want someone younger, without responsibilities and no tummy or stretch marks from having children. I don’t want to look like this, it is the consequences of our love, creating our children. When I look in the mirror I see an old, sad, used to be pretty and sexy lady, with no sparkle in her eyes anymore. You’ve killed my soul as well as my heart, not much left of me now. I need to know the details of what happened because my imagination is connecting the dots and it’s probably worse than reality. Look at your calendar, tell me dates, how you felt, what was said, what was planned, where you went, how you felt coming home to me knowing that you’d lied and betrayed. Why you wanted it so badly and didn’t stop it sooner. What was said and done after our holiday. What’s happening now, you quoted my email to ‘her’ back to me without thinking, so you must have heard it from her. No lies. Don’t for one minute think you can relax. If we have a future, this is going to take lots of time and effort on your part. Any omissions on your part will come to light eventually and, if there is any, will be worse when they do. You’re lucky I’m still here, that I love you enough to stay. Either you or ‘her’, has to leave the company as it feels like there is still a relationship. I can’t be happy sending you to work knowing you are talking to the woman you were prepared to lie and betray me for. I repeat; I love you, I know I do, I always have and always will. Just don’t do more to ruin this and remember (as I have always done) despite everything that life throws at us, we are GREAT together xx”
22nd October 2012 Feeling down all day, don’t know if I’m ever going to feel like myself. It’s definitely the emotions he had for her that bother me, I’m used to his lying. Strong emotions that I was longing for, given to someone else who he says he didn’t even have feelings for. Bizarrely I feel guilty for needing him so much, needing to know so much about what he’s doing when he’s so stressed at work. Even though he has caused this. This makes me sad too.
23rd October 2012 Saw the counselor today. She sais I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, from what she’s heard I’ve done nothing wrong, that I need to hang on in there, we will come out stronger and closer, but give it time. She says he has addressed his problems with work/life balance, loves me and is willing to do anything, so I should let him try to make things right. He needs to prove his love again and make amends for all the ‘us’ time lost, trust will come in time. He needs to be truthful about events and emotions with this other woman, so I can feel remorse, regret and honesty from him. We need to come to a solution as to the two of them being in the same office, otherwise I’m not going to settle. He needs to be open about any conversation with the other woman and needs to learn to express emotional thoughts and feelings. He needs to provide reassurance at every opportunity, especially whilst in the same office. We need to find long term solutions, look forward to happy times by naming them, arranging plans etc make sure we don’t lose communication at an emotional level. Be together wherever possible.
24th October 2012 Joel’s plane is delayed – thinking about things. Really can’t see me getting over this. The counselor says don’t be so hard on myself, it’s still early days. I know there’s more to it than he’s telling me. Can’t get over the strong emotions he must have felt for her that he thought it was worth losing his family. I desperately wanted that strong emotion, but got pushed aside for ‘work’. Can’t stand the thought of him smiling at her tomorrow or even talking to her. Wounds heal but scars stay forever. He’s not my husband anymore, the man I loved, respected, honoured, more than anything has gone. I’m not the same – distrustful and sad. I don’t want to be sat here alone, I want a happy joyful life with meaning. I’ve sacrificed enough of my life for him, he chose to throw my love, our family away for a bit of fun. I wish I could be so careless and selfish.
26th October 2012 Made him talk through dates, conversations and emotions. He was clearly enjoying her attention and she made it physical, he liked it, was selfish and wanted something for himself, instead of a hobby he got another woman. He then embraced the situation, was infatuated, didn’t care about what it could do to his career and family. Didn’t feel guilty. He was so selfish he didn’t even care how much pain I was in, how sad and lonely I was. He didn’t listen to me because he wanted to be with her more. It made him push me away , spend less time with the girls who noticed daddy was around less and when at home became horrible and irritable, to me and the kids. I was so very sad. The whole event has made me sad, that he could do this, be so selfish and cause me so much pain. It was good for me to hear the process of events again and see remorse in his eyes.
29th October 2012 My feelings now are from the pain I felt at the time, the knowing something but not being able to do anything, what the girls were noticing, feeling completely unloved and abandoned. Knowing the love and attention was being given to her instead of me, when I love him so much, and that’s all I wanted from him. If I had that, then he would have received the same from me. This has destroyed my faith in ‘us’. The cover up and continual lying has destroyed any trust. All I have left is hope, that he has seen sense, has learnt a lesson and will never hurt me like this again. I think I have accepted it happened. I don’t understand how he could do that, not care about the consequences and still say he loved me. Probably never will. My hope is that he realises the damage he’s caused, realises what he could have lost and is true to us, our family and our future . I still think about it a lot, the pain it’s caused, hope this gets better.
1st November 2012 Still feel down today, he fell asleep early last night, I know it’s not his fault but it means no talking and affection when I need his complete devotion. Got ready in a hurry and at Starbucks he was on his phone, so again not much for me, despite me holding his knee and sitting there, he did kiss a couple of times but went back to his phone. He did squeeze me tight and kiss me outside Starbucks which made me smile but walking through the school gates he took his arm off me, I want to show everyone we’re united and also I need to feel united. Still think about it all a lot.
5th November 2012 Taking a minute at work to read the book. Start crying, it’s saying that he is missing his affair, that he should look into why he wanted it, what he was getting out of it and take it from bubble affair world into married reality world. Otherwise he will continue to miss everything the affair brought to him and is in danger of doing it again if he doesn’t address this. Feeling really sad today, probably part pmt. Teary, even though he is at home. Last night I found that he hadn’t forwarded emails even though I’d asked him at lunch time to send all emails between them to me too so I could see how mundane it was between them. She commented that he was the best man for the job! Stroking his ego again, unnecessary given what’s happened. Everything came to a head when he kept saying he really needs to be at work and after a while I said well go if you need to, even though I didn’t want him to. The thought of them talking, smiling at each other makes me sick – she needs to go. I’m not going to feel right till she does, things won’t be better for us till she does. This morning, feeling down, they’re both in the office again today, I know they need to talk about a client. Kills me. He promises to stay in contact but already it’s 10.20am and not so much as a xxxx text.
letter 5th November 2012 “I thought I would write you a letter so you know what I was thinking/feeling earlier this year. No doubt you really annoyed me when you came home so late and drunk from the Christmas party in January, you never seem to consider my feelings or worries when you do this and time and time again you do the same thing, except this time it was a lot worse. My life is very boring, cleaning, washing, tidying, taxiing, referee, tutoring etc. and it’s the same every week, like you no hobby or anything for just me. You would have adult conversations an adult environment, go for dinners, lunches albeit with a lot of stress and traveling. You had variety, not mundanity. You used to come home to us and make everything I put up with worthwhile, but it started to change. I started to feel like I was alone looking after the house and family. You were always away, working when you were at home and I could never get hold of you when it was important, let alone just to chat. So I would sit there in the evening trying to get you to talk to me, but you would only half listen. I tried to get you to come to bed with me, you would tell me you had too much work. I would quite often cry in bed when you were downstairs. When I tried to tell you, you were working too hard and not paying me attention or not involved with the girls you would get defensive, tell me you had a lot of work, I didn’t understand, you were really tired. I started not knowing how to be around you and after you had knocked me back a few times, I kept telling myself that it was just temporary because that is what you had told me. I sometimes felt I was banging my head against a brick wall and I didn’t know what to do. In Rome, I had a nice time, but still felt you were distracted and not in love with me, I felt you were more going through the motions of what was expected of you. It is very hard to love someone who doesn’t seem to love you back, I felt like you cared but not loved with passion. Things got really bad between Rome and Greece. You were away more, drinking, coming home later, leaving for work earlier, falling asleep at home and when you weren’t asleep you were working. Every time I asked you to stop or tried to reason with you, you would say you were under a lot of stress, had too much work and the change of working hours were to make the office happy after the old manager had gone, it will be better in six months you would say. I felt very alone, the girls were not understanding why Daddy was like this, I would defend you to them, even though I felt the same. Then you started getting angry at me and the kids for no real reason. Your behaviour was so erratic, you were not the man I love. I felt alone, unloved, rejected and abandoned. I remember saying to a friend, there is something wrong or different about you, she immediately asked how often we were having sex (her first thought was obviously there is someone else), my answer was 2-3 times a week. This was true, when you were around we were having sex, mainly by me coming to have sex on the sofa, you’d put your laptop down for 10 minutes, then start work again when it was over. As I said to her, when you are away it makes sex very difficult. If you are away for a week, come home for the weekend and it is my period, then you are away for another week, that’s two weeks of no sex. It did feel like you were having sex to tick a box, rather than because you wanted to make love to me. You stopped kissing me passionately, even when I specifically asked you to, it was quick and half hearted. When having an orgasm, you used to say things like, “Oh I love you”. That stopped too. It was no longer making love but just sex. I was so sad. My suspicions were high at this point. I got you to install Find my iphone, when I took your phone to do this you had a panicked look and tried to assure me that you could do it and grabbed it from me. At the time I knew this was because you didn’t want me to see something on your phone. I started trying to track you, wanted to come to the office at lunchtime to observe your movements, found live cctv cameras on Kensington High Road so I could watch and see if I could see you, bought my USB spy stick, thought about hiring a private detective, I bought iphone spy software, but then realised I needed to jailbreak your phone and I was scared in case I messed up and lost all your data. I checked everything and noted down your movements, and reasons you gave. Like I have said it all pointed to ‘her’, but I just looked at the photos of her and kept thinking if you were going to cheat, you would choose someone better looking. You wouldn’t risk everything on a sub standard woman. I should have mentioned her name and my suspicions to you earlier, but it just seemed so stupid that you would be prepared to leave me, lose your house and family, for someone like her. I would mention many things, how trust was so important between us with the nature of your job, how I felt sorry for the wives of married colleagues who I knew had kissed the receptionist, I mentioned to you many times affairs and your answer was always, I wouldn’t be so stupid, why would I do that, I love you and so on. Looking back, it was almost like you were asking me to stop you. Asking me to come for a drinks after work, asking me to go to Paris with you, asking me to be the accountant. All this would have stopped you and you did ask, almost like you couldn’t stop yourself and were asking me to help. Our holiday, I loved it. My gorgeous husband was back and I felt loved again. I was very very happy, all my fears from the past few months just seemed ridiculous, and I thought maybe it was work after all. August, when we came back, it started again, leaving for work early, coming home later, drinking etc, so I got suspicious again, but this time the girls were on holiday and I didn’t have any restrictions, making it easier to be at the office and around more. I felt sad that my husband had gone, lost again. The first morning back at work when you rejected my cuddle in the shower, I was mortified. After having such a great relationship in every way during our holiday and feeling so close to you (the first time in a long time), your knock back was devastating. I thought there must be another woman for you to be prepared to reject me, after so much love and sex in on holiday, that on the first morning back at work you didn’t even want to know me. So I was on red alert, trying my best to keep what we had in during our holiday. There seemed to be more texts from ‘her’ that were being deleted in August/September. Which is when I confronted you, as I couldn’t take it anymore. When you broke down in tears in the car park and told me you were so depressed, I now realise it was because you’d been caught. The excuses you gave then were, everyone thinks she’s a lesbian, I deleted the messages because you’d get upset as she’s over friendly with everyone. I didn’t believe this and so continued to look for evidence. What you should have done is just confessed everything to save my feelings. You made all my feelings ten times worse by the way you consistently lied and destroyed what little trust I had left. Not telling me also allows my imagination to join the dots and imagine the worst. Getting information from you was so painful, not because of what you were saying but because after everything, you were still prepared to try and lie your way out of it. You still don’t know exactly what I have read and how much I know from checking your texts, emails, skype and the phone forensic analysis. All in all, your affair has cost us loads of money by me trying to find information. Obviously you have probably spent money when out with her too. I always worshipped you, thought you were different to other men, could never have an affair as you loved me and our kids too much and were not stupid enough to do anything like that. I was wrong, you are like all men. Statistically you are in a high risk infidelity group. Well built, good looking, successful, earns loads of money, is away from home a lot, surrounded by lots of temptation etc. Going forward, you are still on probation for six months. In these six months I promise to do whatever it takes to stay together, I love you. Earlier this year my life felt like you weren’t in it even though I loved you, so I know how painful it would be to not have you with me. In return I expect you to be over the top with love and reassurance. Correct your work/life balance so we (the kids and I) don’t get pushed away. Learn from your mistake and in the future, if temptation is there again, you recognise it and learn to avoid it. All the things I have read say you should tell me if you are tempted by someone, that way you’ve said I love you, want to be with you and I can intervene to stop it happening again. Most importantly, learn to talk to me about every feeling or problem you have, even if it’s about me or you think I’ll be hurt by what you have to say. At least it’s out in the open and we can deal with it together. Every article I read says that you have to understand what drove you to this as different reasons determine how likely you are to have an affair again. For example, boredom with your relationship is easier to fix than wanting excitement. This worried me as your reason so far is the latter, plus curiosity. I know I love you, I do want to be with you till we’re old. I feel the marriage commitment from you has been destroyed. I don’t trust you’re telling the truth at all. I do feel loved by you at the moment and I feel close to you again. I’m scared the feelings I have now will be taken away again. xxx That’s me being honest xxx xxx Now it’s your turn to be honest and apologetic xxx I love you so much, but this has been the worst year of my life, don’t let it happen again, try and understand why it happened so we can correct whatever was wrong, it takes two to make a marriage work plus honesty, openness and communication. You always had and still have my whole heart in your hands xxxx”
email 8th November 2012 “I don’t think I’m strong enough to do this. I’ve lost my faith in marriage, in us, in you. I feel like I’ve lost everything, I’ve died inside, the sparkle, the joy for life, it’s a first hard time in all the years we’ve been together and you cheat. I’m sure we’ll have more hard times in the future. You going to cheat then too? What if she doesn’t leave within the next year? I can’t bear you being in the same room, if she stays that long you’re going to have to be together at some point. How am I going to feel then? Eventually, when you feel things are settling down, you’ll start working as hard again and ignoring me. Going to cheat then too? Thinking I’m not giving you enough attention, giving you a reason to justify cheating. You’re supposed to work with me as a team, especially when things get tough, not destroy us. How do I know you’ve told me the complete truth? maybe you slept with her more than once. Of course you’ll say ‘no’ but that doesn’t mean anything. Should I get the lie detector test anyway to prove you’ve told the truth now? How would you feel if you’ve given me an STD? She may have slept with 100 men, you don’t know. Our kids will be heartbroken, but I can’t stay with you just for them. I want a happy life, I’ve only got one chance. I’ve given my entire life to you, because I love you, because I thought we were working for our future, because we both wanted the same thing. My current life has no joy, no meaning anymore. You’ve taken both away. I know you’re sorry, you don’t know why, you love me, if you could turn back time etc. but you can’t, you did it, without a care and told too many lies when I asked you for honesty. Can’t reverse time, it’s done, it’s changed everything. Especially the way I view my life now and you can’t guarantee you won’t do it again. You need an action plan, something concrete, something I can judge you on. Meet your targets with me. Things need to change if we’re to stay together.”
email 11th November 2012 “I keep reading you should write the feelings down, then you have got them out, and then they are less likely to cause a problem. So I thought I would write to you, it’s up to you whether you respond or not read them, but at least they are out of me. This way I will hopefully stop bothering you but you’ll still know how I’m feeling (if you read them!) and maybe I’ll sleep better at night. Here goes! Today I am fairly ok, a few teary moments when I think of the two of you together and what you may have said or done, or when I think of you not being here to hug me when I’m feeling low, especially at night when my brain has time to think too much and the only thing that stops me is you holding me, to reassure me. Generally an ok day compared to other days. I am really fed up at night time, I can’t stop waking up and thinking. Last week I started sleeping well for the first time in weeks, until you showed me your letter and now I’m awake again. I am having panic attacks, they take me by surprise, I get tight chest, palpitations, breathless, shaky, sometimes dizzy and sick and sometimes I feel like I may pass out. They are scary, I get very scared. I want to believe you loved me throughout, I find it very difficult to believe as I could have only done what you did if I didn’t love you and I really felt unloved at the time. I think I do believe you love me now, but need constant reassurance, I feel very insecure. I wish you would email her and say that everything I said in my letter was true even though you have now told me the truth, the underlying tone of what I wrote was correct. This would make me feel better, but I understand why you don’t want to. I just hate the thought of her thinking you fancied her more than me or that she is even better looking than me. I would like her to know it was nothing to do with her, you were not attracted to her before she kissed you and you didn’t fancy her, and as I said in my letter you enjoyed talking to her and couldn’t wait to escape when you realised she wanted sex. A midlife crisis. Basically! I don’t want her thinking you went with her because she is better than me in anyway or that you didn’t love me. The whole thing hurts more than you can ever imagine, I’m not exaggerating, all marriage counselors say it is the worst pain you can inflict on a marriage – they’re right. I hope you never have to feel like this, it is worse than you dying, all our memories, our life is ruined, there’s no meaning to it anymore for me, it’s changed me. I never thought you could hurt me so much, although I love you, it will take such a long time to heal, possibly years the counselors say. I may stop talking about it in time, but I’ll never stop thinking about it, it’s always going to be there. You lied so much and I hate not trusting you, for the sake of your job, this has to be the first thing that gets fixed. I find it hard to believe you when you say you love me, or I’m sexy, or any compliments. These are things I need to believe to rebuild my self esteem and confidence, but you just lied so much I find it hard to believe anything. When I’m alone it’s going to be very hard and I don’t want to be the one asking for your reassurance or love, makes me feel needy and insecure, you just need to give it, even if you think I’m ok. I’m so fragile I could slip back at any time.”
email 13th November 2012 “I was trying to contain this and send my feelings later, but I can’t. I am worried about how you genuinely feel for me, since last night when you said you probably were not in love with me during or just before seeing her. I am worried you don’t love me like you should. That’s why you found it so easy to cheat. If that’s the case you shouldn’t stay with me because you care. You’ll end up doing the same again. If the whole thing has made you realise you are still in love with me, then we should work out why you didn’t love me as much then so that it doesn’t happen again. I am and always have been IN love with you, just sometimes it’s very hard, especially when your work takes over. I was having a tough time too earlier this year with how your job was affecting you and also our family. I needed you and instead of finding comfort at home, you ignored me, blamed me, found fault in me. I was very sad and lonely, also felt trapped. It seems to me we were both feeling exactly the same at the time, except I was trying to turn to you for comfort and you turned to her. Send me an email saying what you were feeling for me then and now. At home when I ask you you just clam up, say it’s nothing and doesn’t matter. It does matter, a lot, so write it down if you find it hard to talk. I need to know now that you love me the same, otherwise there is no point in rebuilding us.We can’t work on us if you always say nothing. I’ve never doubted I love you.”
email 14th November 2012 “Although OK on the outside, I’m feeling sad on the inside. I really want to sit down for an hour and work this out properly, you can’t ignore it and hope for the best. We need to make a plan we agree to, that we can stick to, so we have a plan to follow and something to assess whether the needs of both of us, and changes that need to be made to our relationship, are being met. Otherwise we’ll be back where we were or one or both of us will be unhappy again. If we have a future I’d like it to be a good one. That we have an action plan to get our great future, and that we’ve both agreed on. Everything that has past has gone, that was the old us, we need to both create a new us. I feel at the moment that you just want to get back to working how you were and that I am alone in trying to work this out, demanding your attention, demanding you talk about it, when you want to forget it. I won’t forget it. This is part of us now. It’s changed everything. This will destroy us in the future if we both don’t agree on how to go forward now. I am in a better frame of mind to do this now. I am very depressed about it, grieving for the life I thought I had, the man I thought I had and I try not to think about the details of you two. I thought the world of you, that’s the biggest thing I’ve lost. The tremendous disappointment that you’re not who I thought you were. I also feel like I need to talk to someone who is not you. I am thinking about this all the time. It’s not healthy, you’ve betrayed me in every way possible, it hurts and will hurt everyday in the future when I think of it. You’re expecting me to snap out of it and carry on, but I can’t. It’s there, part of us, forever. I want to rebuild us, even though it is with us forever, everything says if we work at it together we will be stronger and happier, but I can’t do it by myself, you said you’d fix me and fix our marriage, so help me. It would really help if you wrote to me how you were feeling, and stop saying you’re too busy. This is our marriage, that you’ve messed up. It is more important than anything. Put your marriage first, especially now. Don’t make the mistake of thinking it will go away, it won’t. We need to work at it, other wise we will separate. I will not stay with you now, if life returns to the way things were. I was unhappy from the knock on affect of your unhappiness, but our old life had meaning, we were unhappy temporarily but things would get better because we love each other and our family. You made the biggest stupidest mistake ever, were selfish and betrayed the people you say you love, since then you’ve hurt me (to a point that I can’t even think of a powerful enough word to describe the pain) and now I’m not going to tolerate a lot of what happened in the past. Especially because that you’ve acted in a way that suggests you have little respect for your marriage, family and me. Escapism or not, you knew it was wrong. SHE HAS TO GO, as she’s going to prolong the problems I have by being around. I had another panic attack when you left this morning, I am hoping whatever the doctors prescribe tomorrow will lift me up. Don’t make a bad mistake worse by ignoring it and hoping it will go away. I love you xxxx, but now I’m going to rant ….. Stop making me feel like a nuisance, like I’m in the way of your job. This is how you’ve always made me feel, I won’t take it anymore. The girls and I are far more important, always should have been your priority. You took it for granted that we would always be there, that I would always support you, which is true, it was, because you said you were working hard to build a good life for us, but you’ve messed that up. I won’t be second best to your job anymore. So sit down with me and make changes to both of our lives and a plan to move forward. I don’t want to feel alone and sad for a workaholic husband who travels away, when I know now he can so easily hop in to bed with another woman, with no regard or guilt for the family who love him, misses him and is always at home waiting for him.” l
etter from my husband 21st November 2012 I love you and have always loved you. This is why it has been impossible for me to admit what has happened. I have been foolish and although a lot of what I have read in the article you sent me resonates with me, I still don’t exactly know why it happened. I am so keen for us to stay together that I have tried everything to soften the blow of my actions. I am ashamed of the affair but also for having made you suffer for the past months as information has been drip-fed. I have wished it would all go away so many times that I actually don’t remember a lot of what happened as I am blanking it out of my mind. It has been very hard to see you so tormented by my lies yet wanting to hold back more information as I tried to keep us together. You have to believe me that apart from the shame, my reasons for lying was my desire for us to have a future, preferably as least tarnished as possible. I made the biggest mistake of my life but I don’t want it to mean that we don’t have a life together or keep the happy memories of our wedding and other shared moments. Please don’t ask me to explain my actions once you have read the details as I cannot give you more than I already have. I have been honest about my feelings form the start and have only lied about the facts. Everything with ******* started over a year ago during a work’s party. At the end of the party, we shared a taxi back and I dropped her off on the way home. We were both drunk and she kissed me. I am not using the fact that we were drunk as an excuse but, although I had never done anything like this before, I thought it was just the alcohol. A lot of time passed and nothing happened. We didn’t speak about it and I therefore forgot about it. At the beginning of the year the situation with at work started to impact the office really badly and triggered ****** to speak to me more. We also had many opportunities to discuss the work situation as we were together on projects. I could clearly tell that he was being unfair and damaging to her spirit as well as others in the office. In Barcelona, as I shared with you before, ******* was really upset and blamed herself for something that had nothing to do with the quality of her work. At the office he was continuously complaining and belittling which was making her think she should leave the company as she wasn’t up to the task. She was actually one of our best performers. I reached out to her on the first evening and asked if she wanted to talk about it as I was concerned about her performance the next day. She invited me in her room to discuss and although it was late in the evening I didn’t think anything would happen. We spent two hours speaking about the situation and me trying to convince her she had done a great job. I was sat in a chair while she was on her bed. I genuinely cannot remember if we kissed but we definitely didn’t have sex. On our return from Barcelona, we ran another program for in London two weeks later. At the end of the program, we went for drinks with the team and we kissed at the end of the evening. I was still unclear about why she was kissing me as it was more than just being drunk. I carried on speaking to her due to the work situation. Although our skype and texts had sometimes some innuendos, we remained professional as I was still confused since we were not speaking about the kiss. I never spoke to ******* about us apart from the fact that we were going to Italy for our weeding anniversary. I shared with her that we were excited as we had never been. I was speaking to her like I did others but was conscious that she might read something into what I was saying. She actually brought up our trip to Rome with the client who was from Rome. The 15th May she happened to be due in Paris for a workshop while I was there for client meetings. Our colleague and her discussed staying in central Paris near the office rather than near the airport where the one day program was taking place. I offered to book the hotel for them as I knew the area better and we planned to go out with the French team. I was actually with a potential candidate and came back to the office only around 8pm. All of us then went out. At the end of the dinner, everyone went home and we went to our hotel. She then texted me to see if I wanted to go for one last drink and I agreed. We walked out of the hotel as it didn’t have a bar and had a drink at a nearby café. She was keen to kiss and I was happy for it to happen. We went back to our hotel and although I cannot genuinely remember, I know I went to her room but cannot recall if we had sex. I know I should since it would have been the first time and I think we must have but I cannot remember. I have zero recollection, yet I wasn’t wasted. I left her room and slept in my own hotel room. She then went to deliver the program where the client made the comment about the hedgehog. I have always understood this comment to do with her being tired rather than anything else. We started skyping more as the event and the work situation had made us closer. I was still scared that my plan for the office would backfire and I used her closeness to other people in the office to establish whether I would have enough people backing me, should something go wrong. I was also confused as to what she wanted out of this. She knew I was married and would never leave you. Was she in love? Did she try it on with other people in the office? Was she using me to get this man out of the way at work? I didn’t settle on any conclusion and just thought that she liked me. After that workshop, she was away and I was away which meant that we only chatted through skype and also we discussed different things most of it was actually work stuff and how unhappy people were about the situation and that a lot of them were looking for a new job. With the meeting in Paris on 11th June, it became obvious that we would be both in Paris and by ourselves. She booked a hotel near the office as I was too busy. We met in the Paris office and went to our meeting before we returned to the office. Jean-Francois was with us throughout the day and also went out for dinner with us. At the end of the evening, he headed home and ******* and I returned to the hotel. Her room was next to mine and she invited me in once we were in front of the doors. I joined her and we spent quite some time speaking before we kissed. It was late and she decided to get ready for bed and I took my suit off as I didn’t want it to be creased. I don’t remember who did what first. We then spoke in bed under the sheet and kissed. I do remember having sex with her mainly because it didn’t last long and she was wearing a cap or something as protection which I found disturbing. After sex, we spoke and I was a little embarrassed. I then went to bed in my bedroom as I needed to catch a train to Holland early in the morning. I came back from Holland really late as I missed my train or it was delayed which meant that I got back only at around 10.30pm I think. I must have spent the night or part of it with her since I checked and she was still in Paris but I cannot remember anything. I know it sounds bizarre but I don’t remember a lot. The next three weeks we chatted over skype but I was busy and away. We must have gone out for coffee once or twice during that period. The week before the Windsor meeting is the week we went to the pub at lunch. I am not 100% sure it was that week but cannot find a reference point for it. I was genuinely invited to go for dinner with the client in Windsor and told ******* that I would come but couldn’t stay since I wasn’t facilitating. You would want me home anyhow. We left for Windsor and my phone did go flat without me noticing. We met with the client and did the room set up. We then agreed to meet a little later for dinner. I walked with ******* to her bedroom to drop some stuff off and we had about an hour or so until we were meeting the client again. We chatted and I was in the chair while she was emptying her suitcase. The discussion than led to us speaking about hugging on the bed and it became obvious that we would have sex. I remember well what happened as it didn’t last long again. I started wondering what I was doing in such a drab hotel room in late afternoon / early evening. I was going through the motion and then once finished laid next to her. She sensed something wasn’t right as she asked me if I was OK. I said I was and we quite quickly got dressed and went to meet the client. After we spoke about the account and future opportunities with the client we asked when we should meet to go to the pub we had discussed. The most senior person mentioned that he couldn’t come anymore because of the other course that was running in the same hotel but that we should still go. The two other client employees then decided it would be best that they stayed as well. We then went away on holiday to Greece and I didn’t speak to her. On our return, the promotion issue kicked off as I had said to her that people would be happy with the announcement at the summer meeting. She had read that she would get promoted as the previous manager had promised but I knew nothing of it and was just referring to the fact that we would be having a good year and despite the old manager being out, it will be a great time for the office. I met her once at a café to discuss the promotion issue and we didn’t kiss. I started to think about how to get out of the situation without ending up with a disaster. Although I had enjoyed my time with her prior to Greece, it was now turning into an issue. We both carried on chatting through skype but not very regularly as I was too busy. Our skype had never been very clearly sexual or relationship based that it was unclear where the both of us stood. After her promotion was agreed, we celebrated it in the office following the client conference. I was happy as I was going to meet with my friends but then had a very bad phone call late in the day from our Brussels office and my friend canceled. I dealt with the Brussels situation and then joined some of them to the pub downstairs for a quick drink. She was there as well and left when I did. She followed me on the way to the car and we spoke. She was keen on kissing me and tried after we had spoken for five minutes in the middle of the street. I was getting really annoyed that it was a public place and didn’t kiss her back. I then said I had to go home. She then texted me to say I needed to be more assertive. It was a joke about the fact that I said that her lack of assertiveness with client and colleagues was her biggest weakness. This was the text I cancelled from her. I read it that she understood it wasn’t going to lead to anything. I haven’t put any of my feelings towards her or you at the time as I want to focus on the fact in order to pass the lie detector test. I am no longer hiding anything and happily take the test. The only thing that worries me is that I don’t remember a lot of thing and that scares me as I don’t want to fail. I have told you everything in the hope that you can forgive me and we can start rebuilding our relationship. Today, I haven’t been able to work and people are noticing that I am not as productive as usual. I do want to change my work life balance and spend more time with you and the kids. I actually would love to have a life outside the office. It is almost impossible at the moment and wont be for another 4 months. However, I am looking forward to St Lucia and hopefully some smiles on our face. I love you so much xxxx
email 27th November 2012 “I know you hate me thinking, and I am trying not to for your sake but it is very hard and I still don’t know if I can do this. I am not comfortable enough to promise anything. I am still insecure and scared, if I stop asking you anything you should start to worry because if that happens at the moment it means I have given up trying. I still find it hard to believe anything you say, over the past few months I have learned to spot when you’re lying even more than I used to be able to. There are still things that are playing on my mind, most of it irrelevant to the severity of the situation but like I said yesterday the details allow me to piece together what was going on with your feelings. I know you say you don’t know, you can’t remember much and you don’t know why you did it, but it doesn’t help me. You also didn’t answer my question yesterday as to whether she made you feel loved as you said I didn’t. Part of me hopes she did, because at least she would be making you happy which I obviously wasn’t. I know you want to forget it, but it happened to you months ago and I only discovered the extent of what you’ve done one week ago, so it is still new to me and I find it really hard to comprehend, let alone deal with. Especially as I have no one to talk too. You’re busy, I know, but writing your feelings back then and now toward both of us would help me immensely, I cannot stress that enough. The past 24 hours have been tough for me, you’re busy with work and I used to be able to step aside, but I find it so hard now because I need your attention to feel loved and secure again. We will never be able to live how we used to live, if one good thing has come out of all this it is that you have realised the hard way how you’re job/lifestyle destroys us, as long as you learn from that of course. I hate feeling needy and starved of affection. I so much hate not being able to trust you. I hate that sometimes I look at you in a negative light. All of these things are important to get over if we are going to work, and I am trying. I understand why you lied, but it has done more damage to an already serious situation, which has broken my heart, made me suffer immense pain and ruined my entire world as I knew it. I have to build a new life now, my old one has gone and I have to decide whether you are still in my new world. Make it an easy choice for me. Don’t get distracted by work and forget I’m hurting and needing your attention. I realise that maybe I could have been more supportive earlier this year, but I did my best with what you had told me, if I had known the severity of the circumstances I could have done more. You being away so much and missing important family things had made me very sad and I was probably wallowing in my own depression because you seemed to be putting work ahead of me and the kids. Maybe I didn’t listen hard enough and could have done more, you should have made me listen and stressed the severity of your worries. As a result of what you’ve done I do feel less attractive, less sexy and have low self esteem. Despite the fact that I am probably looking my best for a decade and that every day I have some random man flirting with me. I walk the streets looking at the ground now, never used to. I catch myself day dreaming about this and then wake up and realise I have a really sad face. I hate the way I feel, I hate the way I look. I long for you to be attentive, romantic and sweep me off my feet again. The memories of our early relationship are what used to put a smile on my face when you were away or working hard, they’re still there but now have a dark cloud hanging over them. Make some new memories like the ones from the beginning so I have something to hold on to when times are tough, you’re away or working hard. You can’t let me think for one minute that you don’t love me, it is very destructive for me, smother me in love so I can’t breathe I’ve said a few times. I am not saying I need such support forever but I definitely do now. I would like to get back to the stage where I just know your love is there even when you’re not next to me, that’s gone, I don’t have that at the moment. It makes me sad.”
email from my husband 5th December 2012 “I love you. There has never been any doubt in my mind that I am in love with you. From the first time I laid my eyes on you to last night when you called me after your nightmare. How do I know that I love you? I just do. I was the proudest man on earth when I walked down the aisle with you 10 years ago and I still feel proud when we walk down the high street today. You are still one of the prettiest person I know. I sometimes look around and wonder how lucky I have been to have found you and for you to have said yes. Outside beauty will slowly disappear as we grow older, however, your beauty within will remain. You are the most caring person I know. My parents never fail to remind me how lucky I to have you looking after me and our children. I would love to spend every single minute of every day together as I am complete when I am with you. I don’t have to pretend to be someone else I am not. There is a million and one reason why I love you and they come flowing in my head as I type this email. I would need more than our lifetime together to tell you each and everyone of them. The most important reason of all is that you make me happy and I know I make you happy. We are made for each other. You are my perfect partner. I am now crying as memories of silly moments shared come flooding through my mind. We are still very young and have a lifetime to create new stronger memories that we will cherish and tell our great grand kids. I beg you to give us a chance to live the life I had planned for the both of us. I would be devastated if those plans didn’t materialise and so would be our children. My job is a disaster that is almost impossible to manage at the moment and I am in a pretty bad place with it. However, in just over 3 months we will be able to enjoy the fruit of our last 5 years investment. Please make sure that we enjoy it together. I love you and always will whatever happens. You are my everything as the song goes. If you can give me 10% of my love back, I know we can have a beautiful life together. Your Prince Charming xxxxx”
email 18th December 2012 “Today I am very sad, feeling alone and hurt. On the bus I was imagining the situation between you both. I would only kiss a colleague if they expressed a mutual attraction. My boss, I would have to be fairly certain otherwise it could be a huge mistake. You have made out that you were innocently going about your business and she kept kissing you. Wouldn’t happen like that. If you think so much of me, love me, think I’m gorgeous, then why would you chase someone else and enjoy their attention? This is more than a mistake, this was a decision by you to engage in a relationship with her, despite being married to me and what you say your feelings are for me. A relationship for me started between you both the moment you both knew there was a connection, this would happen before any kissing. Everyday I feel a bit stronger and I start to think more clearly. Your actions then and now do not show love. When I’m with you I feel something like love, but I did at the same time you were shagging her. I think this is caring for me, not loving me. You feel guilty and CARE that you’ve hurt me, you CARE that you may lose your house and kids, but you haven’t shown real LOVE for me, even when you need to. The fact is you are still too busy to fight for me and you have left it too late, this means you don’t really love me like you keep saying you do, otherwise you wouldn’t risk losing me like this. I don’t want a future where you are too busy for me and where you don’t feel it is necessary to be loving and romantic, I am a woman, not just a mother and wife, a woman, with feelings and been neglected for so long. I stood by you because I knew one day it wouldn’t be as bad. You changed things now, I am not prepared to stay with you and be treated like this, I won’t stay to be neglected and lonely again. Don’t forget I only said I would give you till Easter, so far you have done very little to keep me by your side.”
email 23rd January 2013 “I am sorry for being emotional this morning, you have to understand I am carrying an immense amount of heart ache and pain, even though I try to stifle it, pretend it’s not there, it is and I cannot get away from how much you’ve hurt me. Sometimes it has to come out, and it’s not easy when all you say is ‘I don’t know’. I certainly don’t know, nor understand, which is why I ask you, because only you know what went on, how you were feeling towards her and what you think you were doing or going to achieve by being unfaithful with someone who wasn’t that special. You keep saying you have already told me. If you finished the book about the woman’s husband who had an affair, you would read that he helped her by taking her out to coffee every week, answering many questions, many times repeating himself when she asked the same questions time and time again. It took years. I find it so hard to believe you love me so much after you’ve done this to me, because if you were truly in love with me you wouldn’t even consider being unfaithful let alone hurting me so much. I really struggle to think you fancied someone more, became more excited by someone else or even wanted to be with someone more than me, your wife, the one you married, who’s supposed to be so special to you. Yet you pushed me away and made me feel unloved as well as neglected. Which is why I quite often say ‘how could you?’. You are also a clever, intelligent man. If you knew nothing would come of it, why do it? what if she genuinely had feelings for you, thought you had something special, and inevitably you led her to believe we had a horrible marriage, that you would leave me to be with her, because you were showing signs of love and affection to her, wanted to be with her and not me. How does that make her feel? Used? I always thought you were incapable of mistreating women, but you have done this to two at the same time. Now she has to leave her job and home because of you leading her on and not being honest with her, purely for your own selfish ‘escapism’. And I have to live with the knowledge that you can do this to me and live with the emotional scars of what you’ve done forever. It kills me to think you even have to be in the same room, this adds to my pain and prolongs healing as it brings me back down, to remind me of the pain caused by what you have done. It reminds me that I can’t understand. You can’t fault me for trying. It is easier to walk away from you than live with the current feelings and emotions that are bottled up inside. I have read as many things as I can to try and understand how this could happen. Sometimes I feel like my efforts are wasted, why bother, I can’t live with what you’ve done to me, our family.”
email 24th January 2013 “I am not happy living the life you’ve given me, haven’t been for a long time and I am especially unhappy after what you’ve done to our life, our marriage and me. If your choice is for me to live like this with you, then I don’t want it. I love you, which is why I’m still here, but it’s not enough. I deserve to be happy in my life, if that means leaving you and the life you’re giving me then that’s what I’ll have to do. You’ve broken my heart, you’ve broken me, you’re not the person I thought you were. You want different things to me. Look at what I’m going through to stay with you, fact is, you’ve done wrong and hurt me more than you’ll ever know and you don’t deserve my loyalty. I want you to move out, take a break from me and me you.”
letter to the other woman (never sent) 14th February 2013 “I am disappointed by the fact that despite writing such a truthful and honest letter, you still felt the need to run to my husband for, what I can only assume is protection. I have never asked anything from you other than the truth of what happened between you and ****. I have never threatened you or come face to face with you and only written to you for this information three times. I am not disputing the gift had a double meaning, but you will, if you haven’t already, enjoy it and I wouldn’t have sent it if I didn’t think that, they are very expensive. You keep threatening lawyers as a way to provoke this protection from ****. It works, but let me say this any lawyer would not touch this case, with the absent threats, never meeting you and only asking for the truth from the woman who thought she’d screw my husband, I don’t think that is an unacceptable way for me to behave and I am sure a lawyer would agree. In fact, if we were in the U.S. I could sue you as the ‘other woman’ for the damage you have caused my family. You have hurt not only me, but my children. I am a mother first and it kills me to think that **** got involved with you and you may have been misguided into believing you’d be together, meaning you would be a step mum to my children. Let me tell you that the total disregard you have shown for their well being from my last emotional letter, leads me to believe you would never be able to be a good mother. The fact that you didn’t want to take the chance given to amend the devastation you caused, makes me believe it was you who was leading my husband on to further your career or for some other ulterior motive.”
email 25th February 2013 “I’ll be honest, at the moment I am not sure if I can stay with you, even if I learn to forgive, I’m never going to forget the pain you’ve caused and the fact that you considered another woman and became so intimate with her, breaking your promise to be faithful to me, making me feel unloved in the process. I know you regret it but the fact is it happened and your guilt and remorse was too late as the damage had already been done. Since then you’ve done little to ‘fight’ for me and shown little interest in understanding why it happened. Even more so now, you tend to go quiet and grumpy, rather than loving and apologetic. You act like I should accept it and move on in a loving way again, as if nothing has happened. Consider what your vows were, which said until death do us part, to remain faithful to each other as long as you both shall live. Now consider what Jesus said in the Bible in the book of Matthew chapter 19 verse 9. A man should not divorce his wife or a wife her husband except for unfaithfulness. Unfaithfulness is such a horrendous act, that it is the only act that Jesus’ said justifies divorce. The marriage is no longer special and I deserve better. I have said to you many times I don’t feel married anymore, I know this hurts you but it’s the truth we can’t restore what you have destroyed, that marriage has gone. I am not sure I can live my life next to you knowing that you didn’t love me enough and that your love for me was not great enough to stop you. You on the other hand have me, it is easy to grow old with me knowing you have a faithful loving wife. You involved yourself in the most intimate act with someone else and then came home to me. It’s wrong and I’m not sure I can get passed this despite trying everything I can think of. If we split up a huge part of this was the way you treated me before, I didn’t feel loved or special, I felt alone and neglected. Then you showed no consideration for our marriage, the love you say you have for me and the love I was desperate to give to you at the time. You wanted and had another woman. You have treated me with little respect or love, how can I move on from that?”
email 15th March 2013 “I do wish you’d try harder to explain, why?. I can’t understand but I want to. I understand the circumstances in your life but not why. Despite knowing your married, love your wife and family, even if you thought you were not hurting us, why would you consciously choose to do this knowing it’s wrong. This is the biggest question, the one that hurts the most and the one we can best learn from. Without knowing this our future will always have a cloud hanging over us. I want it to go away. It all hurts at a level I hope you never experience. By not researching, thinking or doing anything you’re prolonging the agony. I can’t pretend it’s gone away when it hasn’t. You haven’t answered all my questions. Other questions unanswered were; How emotionally involved did you get and when did you realise the strong emotions you had for her? Why did you continue it for so long? Why did you think you wanted her like that? Why did you feel no guilt at the time?”
email 20th March 2013 “I feel like I need to write my thoughts down as I’ve got no one to talk to, so I’m sending them to you. I carry so much pain and I know you are in a bad mood because of your bonus, but that means you are not strong for me when I really need you. I still want you to answer all the questions I sent again last week, I try not to dwell on them but sometimes the anger and feelings of failure are to much for me to hold back. If I had a greater understanding I assume this would dissipate. I can’t help but blame myself. I think that is where the depression comes from, I feel like a failure as a wife and as a woman. I get depressed about the things I’ve lost this year. The admiration and respect for you has gone, our pure love has gone, our marriage vows are broken and things feel different. I now have the relationship with you I was so desperate for, yet it’s got this bad thing attached to it which now and then surfaces bringing my mood back down and my dreams have been turned upside down. Sometimes I don’t know what to think anymore. I am unhappy alone, I try to be selfish and I think to myself, I’m going to do something new when I’m physically able, but the fact is I am happiest with you next to me, that’s all I ever wanted. Anything else would be to just pass the time till you come home. I asked you on Sunday to give me a new dream, hope for the future. Where do you see yourself in ten years time? because I don’t want it to be the same as now but with three teenagers. What significant changes are being made in our lives short term to make each year more fun? Ten years from now. I would like to have our own business, don’t care where we live. I want the children to be happy in whatever they chose to do. I want to go on holiday at least twice a year. Visit new places together. Most of all I would like the pain I feel right now to be a distant and almost forgotten memory.”
email 25th March 2013 “Sorry for sending emails, it must get to you and I don’t want to dampen your day. Just I wish it was all a bad dream because the enormity of what you’ve done is just sometimes too much to process, like today. By not helping me understand or by not writing to me, I get caught in my own thoughts and I feel overwhelmed with so many different emotions. I feel like I don’t have a life, not the one I wanted and sometimes, like today, I just want to escape, or go away and cry it all out, but I can’t as my girls need me. I’m trapped, not allowed to show my real emotions to anyone and living life as if I’m not in pain. No one can comfort me because no one knows I’m suffering. It’s horrible. I wish it would all go away. It’s killing me, I know I love you, but for everyday I feel stronger there are four that make me feel hopeless. I’m scared my behaviour will drive you away again. I’m really scared now, I’m a mess, my security has gone, and I’m asked to believe you when you’ve lied and betrayed me. Today I just want to curl up on my bed and cry.”
email 10th April 2013 “I still don’t understand why you say you wanted us both. What did she have, that I obviously didn’t, that you felt you needed both of us in your life. You never needed more before, I have never felt the need for another man, even though you’ve neglected me often. If she wasn’t physically stunning, you weren’t after sex and it wasn’t love or another future you were thinking of. Why need her? Your words. At home you have sex, you have a beautiful wife inside and out (not always physically I realise that, but she was there waiting to come back after a decade of breeding and nurturing). All you had to do was put the attention my way instead of hers. You would have probably gained more happiness from that too. I certainly would have been over the moon. I also don’t understand why, even if you thought I wouldn’t find out, that you thought as a married man and father it was ok to do. Let alone the work implications. More importantly you have a loving home and are worshipped and adored by three beautiful children. My heart is broken but if they knew the truth they’d be devastated. They’d abandon you for hurting me, them and destroying their family. Even if you reply to this, which you don’t seem to be doing anymore, you won’t say anything that would make you look worse than you do already. It’s easier to lay blame on her, but it takes two. A few people lately have told me that you’re so nice, that we’re so lucky to be together, that you’re obviously devoted. I smile and go along with their comments but they don’t know the truth or how hurt and sad I am. I really wish I could be the person I used to be. You’ve changed me and I don’t see that old me coming back at all. That’s one of the saddest things about this. I’m broken.”
7th May 2013 We had a lovely weekend away without the children. It is our wedding anniversary followed by my birthday. The wedding anniversary was not as hard as I had thought. I was happy not to celebrate as I feel the marriage vows are insignificant now. I had asked my husband to write some new vows to give to me on our anniversary in the hope that it would make the day feel special again, but he didn’t. So the day passed with nothing of significance and no high emotion. My birthday he had bought a lovely necklace and we went to a nice restaurant. We had a brilliant time and I enjoyed it immensely. On the way home I began to feel sad though, like my life now is all a pretense, fake, not authentic. I don’t feel special to him anymore and I feel very insecure. I have lost so much and I don’t know why and I could not prevent it or prevent it from happening again in the future. Whereas I had certainty and hope in my future, now I’m scared and insecure.
8th May 2013 Just when I thought I was getting it all sorted in my head I find my husband is back at the same hotel where he had been unfaithful and I had spent and entire evening trying to locate him staring at the map, knowing what he was doing but unable to do anything. I found this out by tracking him, as I often do on Find my iPhone. He told me he was going to this town but didn’t mention the same hotel. The shock of this brought back all the pain and hurtful memories of that night last summer which reduced me to a blubbering wreck again. I spent my afternoon on the bed crying uncontrollably and asked him questions which I have probably asked a thousand times or more. He still gave no adequate answer for me and was reluctant to speak, saying he had already answered this before. He didn’t tell me where he was going exactly today as he didn’t want to hurt me, so instead of warning me, yes I may have gone quiet and shed a tear, he decided to let me find out myself, but nothing compared to the upset of finding out by tracking him and feeling that he had deliberately not told me. Not a day goes by when I don’t look at her picture online and wonder why? what was so special about her?
13th May 2013 All weekend I have been waking at 5.30am with thoughts of the affair, him and her, or just her. It mostly makes me very sad. Sometimes I cry quietly to myself, I always try to hold him or cuddle him to remind me he is with me and he loves me. The affair and how he must have felt for her, what happened etc plays on in my mind all the time, but I feel alone in my thoughts. My husband although loving obviously wants to forget it happened and I can’t, so I feel I cannot talk to him. When I have managed to talk to him, I am normally upset as it has bottled up for a few days. He stopped answering questions that he feels he has already answered or that he says he cannot explain. I did read that Anne Bercht’s husband had to answer the same questions for three years before she felt she had healed and although I have told my husband this, he just doesn’t want to speak about it anymore. I can understand that he wishes to forget it happened and carry on like normal, but it’s not normal, because I’m not normal anymore.
16th May 2013 The children and I collected my husband from the airport, I had had a lovely day meeting an old friend for lunch. My husband still seemed very tired and as we got ready for bed, I mentioned talking to my friend about the friend I have in his office. He became very snappy and used an aggressive tone which is rarely used by him but due to my fragile emotions I took this to heart. After stifling my emotions I curled up next to him in bed and watched some TV, but at the same time I thought I would check out parking spaces near his office as he had been told there was none available and I had inadvertently seen availability when looking earlier. I proceeded to answer the questions online that it asked and he helped on a few items, when I clicked confirm it just said thank you for registering, which we took to me a parking space had been booked. He became really irate saying I should stay out of his work affairs, that now it looked like he didn’t trust the office manager. I was very hurt as I hadn’t done it out of anything but love for him that I wanted him to be able to park his brand new sports car near the office and drive it everyday as planned. I was sorry it was a misleading website, but I really had meant no harm. This combined with the earlier episode, flung me into a high emotional state, I went downstairs to have a drink, it calms me down and helps me sleep. He followed but was unsympathetic and just kept repeating how I was interfering in his work affairs. He was not the consoling and loving husband I know he can be, he was almost hating me in his tone and again I felt like a nuisance in his life. After he repeated himself over and over again, I couldn’t take anymore and just threw my glass on the kitchen floor, I was an emotional mess and he was unkind and un-supportive which added to my pain and resurfaced the pain he had caused through his affair. I just wanted him out and away from me so he could not hurt me anymore. I shouted at him to leave, he refused and I packed his bags for him begging him to leave me alone. One of our children started screaming as they could hear the noise and he went to calm them down and put some clothes on to leave. Once I had cleaned up the kitchen and went upstairs he was dressed and ready to go, so I got ready for bed, still telling him to leave. He said he didn’t want to but I was adamant, he was causing me pain and I wanted it to stop. I took some sleeping tablets which take about twenty minutes to work and I began to calm down and he still hadn’t left, he said he would climb in the bed next to me and I fell asleep. The next morning he didn’t go to the office and stayed at home with me. After a period of silence, he just hugged me and we got back to normality.
18th May 2013 Everything is fine, I have less thoughts than before but tonight I checked his phone, as I often do. An email caught my attention, that had been written by his boss discussing this other woman’s transfer to a different office. I got saddened as my husband had not mentioned any of this. It says she will work for the two offices for six months then transfer completely. I asked him if that meant she was working from this other office and he shook his head. She will be working in his office for another six months at least and that has not been agreed. This triggered an outpouring of emotions, back to the ‘Why?’ and ‘How?’ questions, especially that two people now have told me this ‘other woman’ is arrogant, pushy and manipulative. Another night going to bed in tears.
22nd May 2013 I don’t know why but today I suddenly felt the need to threaten this ‘other woman’ and make her leave. I am fed up and tired of having her as part of my life and she doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. Anticipating that I may do something stupid I told my husband so he could talk me down and stop me. I know she doesn’t care and my efforts would be wasted, potentially causing more trouble for me, but I was desperate to get rid of her. During this conversation said something that made me irate. He said, “You just have to learn to let things go”. I then wrote an email to my air my frustrations as follows; “Her She is a selfish manipulative woman and I want to destroy her like she has me. I have never hated anyone as much I hate her and the word hate is not even strong enough to portray how I feel towards her. I wish she had terminal cancer, that way she would have to suffer like me, before finally dying. If she found it so easy to find a boyfriend why did she want my husband? who’s off limits to most women as they respect marriage and children. Does this mean she has slept with loads of people? or is she making this up to give a reason not to move? Maybe just an excuse, maybe she wants to leave the company. If she does want to leave the company, it wouldn’t be for us, she would have done that months ago. She doesn’t deserve to be happy and I wish such misery in her life you cannot imagine. You Stupid. Repeated over and over again. Today when you said, ‘why can’t you learn to let it go?’ that hurt me as you obviously have no clue as to the depth of the pain you’ve caused. Again, stupid. This is not a disagreement with someone, I am mentally scarred because of your stupidity and I cannot see an end to it. I will never be able to feel content in myself and with my marriage again. You have damaged a part of me that will never fully recover, it will always be there, I have a life sentence without doing anything wrong. You don’t even bother writing back to my emails, like yesterday, a few words of comfort and regret from you means so much when I do this, but you choose to ignore, as you think I should just get over it and move on. It’s like when you huffed the other day when I asked if she was definitely not in the office. Well, it’s not that easy, as much as I might want that. Like I said it’s always there. Instead of your support I feel like it’s something you don’t want to deal with anymore, that you think you’ve done your bit for six months and that should make me better. A year ago you were longing to be with her, instead of me, and you expect me to just move on from that. 18 years since our first kiss falls on the day you said a year ago you started a relationship with her. That is going to be extremely hard for me and I am hoping that once all the first year anniversaries have passed, the last being 22nd November when you wrote to me a final time to tell me your truth after all those months being tortured, I will finally feel different and more hopeful than I do now. That is when I plan to come off antidepressants. As well as rebuilding my trust and security, you are supposed to be rebuilding me. You keep saying to focus on the positives, I do, I always have which is what kept me faithful to you when you didn’t even deserve it. Those positives are not great enough or powerful enough to keep me from thinking about your affair yet. The wound of my broken heart is too fresh. It takes couples on average two years to fully heal. I appreciate all you have done and I realise it is not easy for you to deal with my emotions, but I cannot heal by myself and I cannot recreate what I have lost. Some days I still think I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this and that if I left you it would go away. Me At the moment I would say that 70% of me suffers because of your stupidity last year. I am very open with how I am feeling and I now recognise when it is negative so it can be handled. I am also disappointed in you and disappointed that our marriage had to suffer like this. I feel like a failure. Like I said the other day, I don’t trust you like I should and I no longer feel as secure as I should. I have this emptiness permanently with me where I once had trust, love and security. I was content in my relationship with you, I’ve lost that.”
25th May – 4th June 2013 We had some time away as a family, although my husband had the weekend away with some university friends before joining us. I was very apprehensive at letting him be away for a fun weekend with the ‘boys’ and everyone I had mentioned it to had mage suggestive comments that he’d be up to no good, behind my back, although I’d smile, this killed me inside. I tracked him often and text often, but I’d do this when he was having an affair and it didn’t show anything. Whilst alone I did get chatted up, the man seriously wanted me to get up to mischief behind my husband’s back, yet I made excuses and declined his offer. I am vulnerable with low self esteem and it would have been easy to say yes, if my children had not been with me I may have done. As the holiday progressed and he joined us we had a lovely time, very relaxing and I was glad to be his and spend time as a family. I had a few episodes of tears and asking why again, saying I no longer felt special and my memories were tainted but we generally had a lovely time. The day we returned he was immediately catching another flight to go away for work for a few days, as soon as we stepped off the plane from holiday he became a different person, snappy, stressed and distracted.
8th June 2013 Everything was nice we were having a lovely weekend but I had this niggling feeling that all was not right with me, even when things are going well I still feel like he is an impostor, I still remember what he has done and how he has hurt me so much. Most of the time I try to ignore these feelings, but over dinner I started crying as I was thinking how I do not want my children to have to go through this or be hurt like this. I composed myself but later that evening, I could stand it no longer, I wanted to know what he found attractive about this woman when I could not see it, I showed him a photo of her on the internet and asked him to explain what it was that was so attractive. I have been feeling ugly, old and unattractive to him and when he gives me a compliment I think he is just saying it to make me feel better, rather than it being a genuine statement. Anyway, he refused as usual to look at the photo or even tell me something and I exploded, saying I couldn’t do this anymore, I didn’t want to feel like this for the rest of my life and it was unfair of him to expect me to, regardless of loving each other, it’s just something I felt I was not strong enough to do. In frustration I through my phone across the room and after a while I said I wanted a divorce and threw the rings at him. We were at my in-laws and I said I wanted to go home. He said it was impossible and that he just wanted to have the family lunch and then deal with it. I said this time I was serious and started to get ready for bed. I did not sleep well all night and was very tired. The next morning I reaffirmed I was serious and that this was final, we were getting a divorce. I put my wedding rings back on for the family lunch and we discussed our relationship, I don’t remember exactly what happened but I retracted the divorce and we carried on as normal. The journey home was emotional on my side, I kept asking questions and crying quietly. It’s not right and doesn’t feel right because I’m not right.
24th June 2013 For the last two weeks my husband has not been travelling with work and it has been nice to have that closeness again, the other woman is not at the office and my life is a bit calmer. It almost feels normal, yet not normal at all because I have this weight to carry with me at all times. After dinner one night I just turned to him and said, “Am I stupid for trusting you?”. It must have taken him by surprise as he looked alarmed and held me very tightly and said, “No I just made one mistake and I’m so sorry”. I have also been reading the book “Why he cheats” by Jeffrey D Murrah. which says, “When the cheater has gone through elaborate planning in order to have the affair, cover it up and keep it going, there are no good intentions. It is true they did not intend to hurt you, yet their actions show that they did not intend to be honest and forthright either….they know what they are doing is not acceptable…. their intention is one of self gratification…Had they experienced remorse, they would have confessed right after the incident of adultery, rather than after they were caught”.
4th July 2013 I have been feeling ok the past few days, husband has been around and although he is busy and stressed at work I still feel ok, not ignored or a nuisance like I used to. I have written a few emails (no replies) asking for answers for our future together and what he wants for me and our marriage, rather than concentrating on why he did this in the first place, as he’ll never give me an answer because he doesn’t really know himself. While I’m in a more positive frame of mind I wish he’d give another heartfelt apology face to face, he has only given me one via letter before. This time I want to really take it in and concentrate on what he is saying as I’m not in a cloud of disillusionment at the moment and I would like to move on with my life. I have lost a year to this.
6th July 2013 Today is my daughters birthday party, my husband and I have been busy all day tidying the garden as she wants a BBQ. He has very bad back ache and is very tired, so not much fun! plus it is too hot for getting cuddles. A bit of alcohol, feeling exhausted and although I had been happy a trigger of a flat young stomach on TV got me upset. I tried to fight it but ended up in tears. Just when I think I’m ok something triggers me.
15th July 2013 Today I am thinking a lot, which I try to ignore so I don’t get drawn further into the obsessing or consuming thoughts that can take over. My husband is away, for the first time in a long time, and even though it is only one night, I realise how hard it is going to be for me in September when I know he is away practically every week. Also tomorrow is a date that is forever stuck in my mind, because last year I knew there was something and knew he was with her. It is also the date that she has decided to be in the office after not being around for ages, so it’s doubly difficult and I’m trying so hard to be strong. I wish she would just leave, why she insists on sticking around I don’t know, anyone with an ounce of decency would be long gone. The day she leaves is the day I can relax and concentrate on getting better. I don’t think my husband understand this, but as long as she is in my life the affair is still in my life and I cannot move on.
19th July 2013 My husband has been really understanding this week and has worked from home all week, despite the pressure to be in the office. She is in the office all week and he knew how hard that was for me. I coped with the 16th as he was at home and I socialised in the evening so I didn’t have time to reflect on a year ago. However he has had to go to the office today and my stomach is churning, I’ve already cried slightly. I am really tired of going to sleep and waking up thinking about what has happened and her more specifically, it’s so tiring and I have done this for so long. Despite my constant efforts to ignore it these two moments of the day are when I still recall events. I have shed a tear everyday since I found out something had been going on last September, I’m so tired emotionally from this. Why she has the audacity to stay in the office when she could easily have moved on by now I have no idea, she obviously does not care and I have put huge pressure on my husband to make her leave. My frustration at times is so bad that I am very close to calling her or emailing their boss in order to get her out of my life. My husband knows this and he knows at times I am liable to do this, he actually said last night he is angry at her that she clearly is doing little about moving on and making our life difficult in the process. It’s not going to go away until she goes away. I can see that even though what has happened is the most terrible thing to happen in a marriage, we are going to come out stronger and already have a better relationship because of it. Stronger and better than other marriages that have lasted this long because we have a new deeper appreciation of each other and recognise what each other needs, we both could have lost something very special.
22nd July 2013 This weekend I have had the help of a Marriage Sherpa counsellor who has been incredibly helpful and made me see the light. My husband is doing everything in his power to restore the faith and it is me who needs to look within and understand how this situation has affected me and my beliefs. The alternative is wallowing in self pity. I have accepted it happened and I have to look to the future instead of looking back, easier said than done I know! The counsellor has also suggested that my husband is being so remorseful, loving, open and transparent that he needs to hear things from me and he needs to listen. In the counsellors opinion he has seen this help other betrayed partners. He has also recommended some other books which I will read and if I consider them helpful I will provide a link in the future. One thing he said which is a good analogy for my predicament is; there is a snake in the room and he wouldn’t ask me to relax while the snake is still there, it wouldn’t work. This is how he describes the other woman still working in the same office as my husband.
24th July 2013 My Marriage Sherpa counsellor has told me that my husband has done everything he should to show he is owning his situation and that I should start to own my situation and take the necessary steps to show this. Starting with writing a letter to my husband. I am working on this with my counsellor before I read the letter next week to my husband. I will post the letter on here once it is finished. Another truth the counsellor told me which I thought was very true, is that the reason I find it so hard is due to my values and the beliefs I had growing up. My conscience says I shouldn’t tolerate this behaviour and that I should leave straight away as I always thought I would, and it is wrestling with the feeling of love for my husband, children and past life together.
29th June 2013 Well what a weekend! My husband was taken by ambulance with chest pains, fortunately it was nothing serious. Then a weekend away was ruined by the fact the house alarm went off and we had to go home. The children have gone to my parents for a week and I am pre menstrual which makes everything much harder. We went sofa shopping yesterday, had a nice brunch, but I broke down in the car after asking if he held her hand like when driving like he does me. Then I read the letter I had been working on with my counsellor, in a blubbering mess. It went as follows;
21st August-1st September 2013 This was a two week break to my in-laws, despite my attempts to be happy and relaxed, it was obvious to most that I was sad. My husband was always signing at me to smile and my youngest child commented on how I had a sad face. No doubt my in-law family noticed too. I have noticed that a week before my menstrual cycle I do get unbearably sad and tend to break down often. After my period starts, a new strong and confident woman emerges. I need to control this downturn as it is seriously affecting my healing. Moments I can remember from our holiday where I broke down. Did you dance with the OW? spurred by a movie we went to see at the cinema. His answer was ‘no, you know me I hate dancing’. Some how I ended up in tears saying I’d lost the basis of our relationship, adoration and worship. I only have love left and that isn’t enough without anything to support it. Another trigger. Did she have a flat tummy? His answer, ‘yes, but she is not skinny and nothing compared to you, you have a much nicer body’. I broke down in tears saying, ‘how can I compete with a woman, ten years younger and who has had no children?’ I then blubbered, ‘I can’t do this’. There are moments where I forget he has broken my heart, in those moments I feel almost normal and dare I say happy. Then it will hit me, that he has and I am heart broken which brings me back down. It kills me I look at him differently now, I see him as human, where as before I idolised him, he’s fallen from that pedestal.
3rd September 2013 Back to work and our life. Already today I find myself planning our life around where the other woman will be, making sure they are not in the same office at the same time. My husband calling me saying people in the London office are asking when he will be in and I need to take some ‘working from home’ days off his work calendar. So I check her work calendar to his. I can’t do this much longer, it’s tiring emotionally and keeps me down. I cannot move on when it keeps bringing me back down. It is a constant trigger and reminder of the pain inflicted on me. The rest of September looks bleak to as he is travelling with work most weeks. The positive part of my brain tells me to concentrate on the children who will be going back to school tomorrow. One child is moving on to secondary school, so we have to search for good schools, go to open days etc. I have vowed to throw myself into exercise which may or may not happen! My counsellor says to find my strengths which involve only me and focus on these to get me strong again. He makes sense, but doing is always difficult. A blog I follow has an excellent comment from the author, who’s story closely mirrors mine almost to the day. Please read her post, it’s empowering and true, I wish I felt this strong. http://healingaftermyhusbandsaffair.wordpress.com/2013/09/01/trusting-myself-again/
5th September 2013 I was dreading last night as it was the first time I had been left alone for a month and it never occurs without me getting upset, not sleeping or feeling anxious, but I am pleased to say last night I felt a little low but none of the above occurred. I think this was partly to the great sleeping tablets I got in France, I didn’t get a chance to think, I fell asleep and stayed asleep! When he is away on business I get especially anxious for obvious reasons. He normally face time’s or Skype’s when he is in bed and going to sleep so I know he is by himself. The hotel he was staying at did not have a great internet connection, so the phone is all he had. He has always phoned home when he is away and this didn’t stop an affair. Despite this I was fairly calm, I amazed myself. Today I have been for a coffee chat with a good friend which perked me up, I have been for a great massage and cleaned the house with my children. All is good in my life today and the stresses of the affair are in the dark depths of my mind for the first time in a year and I feel good x
11th September 2013 So you may notice I’ve been blogging less this past week. That is because I have been preoccupied with a new au pair moving in and our daughters school application. My husband is away on business, so life is fairly normal, problem is I don’t like what normal became to be for me. Left alone in my own marriage, looking after the house and kids, I was very unhappy and I don’t want my life to go back to how it was. I am married to my husband and I did not expect to be left lonely for nights on end. Lonely in my own marriage is not what I want and I’m scared life will be how it was because he won’t change his job and therefore our lives. Our life is what it is because of his job, nothing else, it dictates everything, even where we live. He doesn’t see the need to change because, lets face it, his life since kids has hardly changed. Although he is away I am not crying as much, and not crying about what he did, more crying for what my life is now. I don’t seem to be able to change my life without him changing it for us as a family. Any little changes I make do allow me to be slightly happier during my day to day routine. At night though, when the kids are asleep, there I am again in my bed alone.
17th september 2013 So the one year anniversary of me telling him I knew something by asking why he was deleting texts from the OW, has just passed. Looking back to a year ago I was in a much worse state and my two months of torture and lies started from my husband, this had followed about six months of investigative work on my part, so I was already anxious. My life now is calmer and more stable, although I do have outbursts of emotions. Last Sunday I went to church with my family for the first time in a year, the priest started by saying the Lord forgive us our sins. At this point I started to cry and within five minutes of mass starting had left the church and left my family there with my children asking what’s wrong with Mummy, why is she crying? My Marriage Sherpa Counsellor asked why I did this? what bothered me? thinking about it it was the fact that you can commit a sin and it is easy for the Lord to forgive, it is not that easy for me to forgive his sin, and it is me that matters. I was going to place teddy in his suitcase with a tee shirt saying, ‘I forgive you’ so when away on business he would open it and be surprised. As my actions of that day suggest, I obviously don’t forgive him so I didn’t give him the teddy. While writing to my counsellor I realised that I had been asking certain things from my husband which he hasn’t done. I asked that he write some new vows and give them to me on our wedding anniversary, he didn’t. In the early days I gave him my eternity ring back that he had just given to me, I asked that he give it back and make it mean something, he hasn’t. I have also asked him for five months for a proper apology now that I am in a better emotional state and able to listen, and not just for the affair but for the way he treated me two years prior, he hasn’t. Maybe when or if he ever does these things that are so important to me in rebuilding my faith in ‘us’, maybe then I’ll be able to truly forgive.
2nd October 2013 Well, I can’t help remembering what a mess my life was last year! I still have doubts and cry often, but I have some ability to hold back my emotions and stop them from taking over. I have arranged a discussion with my husband on the 12th. I need to know how the future will look as he doesn’t tell me anything and he pretends life is normal. I really want, NEED, to hear his thoughts and feelings, carrying on like normal isn’t an option. My daughters school place is taking priority over everything at the moment and is a help in being distracting. Although I don’t want to separate I look at him and can’t help but think I’ve lost him, the him I fell in love with, because now when I look at him I see a liar, a cheat and the man who hurt me.
21st October 2013 So I am updating this diary less often, it is not because I do not think of the affair or the other woman, I am just able to cope more with the thoughts. Sometimes these thoughts do get the better of me and drag me back down, but the majority of the time I now am able to let the thoughts go, without any emotion. This takes practice and is far from easy. I read a blog yesterday which I applaud, the wife has said she no longer has the anger for the other woman. She said she will not allow the thoughts of the other woman to drag her down any longer and that she has the strength to live again. I cannot do this, but hope one day I can. I have said to my husband that something just doesn’t feel right anymore, I think this is the feeling of ‘special’ I had for him. Everything I had for him has been destroyed and it is very hard to carry on when I no longer feel the same for him. I feel like I am not married to him, I used to say I felt like a boyfriend and girlfriend, but now it feels like we are good friends with benefits.
31st October 2013 Today is Halloween and my children are so excited. I wish I could share the excitement, it looks happy and I am not sure I understand that anymore. I try, but happiness is not something you should be trying to do, it should just be. My husband seems to think now the other woman has moved away things can go back to some sought of normal, but I don’t feel this. I read other stories of unfaithful men and wonder why they do this when they supposedly love their wives. Is it something that happens to everyone? What makes me so sad is that I feel like my fairytale is over, it is up to me whether I find a new one, or settle for the broken one. I’m not sure what to do. Loving my husband is not enough, it breaks my spirit and my heart every time I have to say goodbye, be it to the office or travelling for work. It makes me sick, anxious and I don’t trust him. I hate thinking of what he may be up to. Is this how it is now for the rest of my life?
13th November 2013 Well … if you had told me a month ago I would feel fine, I wouldn’t have believed you. I read someone else’s blog a month ago, she was three weeks ahead of me in terms of when she found out about her husband’s affair, I thought to myself how can she feel like this, it seemed impossible. But now here I am feeling the same. When I look back to a year ago, I wasn’t functioning properly and was going about with tears in my eyes. Now there are tears in my heart, but I am able to keep them there rather than letting them show. My rational has come from this … my husband and my past is dead to me. I am with a new man now and I am trying to make a new future. I have been hurt and I am no longer prepared to put up with all I had put up with before and I will leave if things start to revert back to how they used to be. My husband knows this, and doesn’t like it because he doesn’t understand. No-one will understand unless they have been through it. It is sad for all the memories which have now been tainted, this is half my life. However, I am looking forward to the next half of my life and to the new memories a new future will bring. I have grieved for my past. I am now taking one day at a time, and you know what, it is ok to cry if you feel like it, but most of the time I am regaining a sense of happiness and purpose. I am no longer going to waste my time and effort on this affair or dwell on thoughts, instead I’ll concentrate on my own mental and emotional well being. Concentrate on my happiness and my children. I am not going to waste another second on his mistake.
18th November 2013 Well, this weekend saw me fall from positive thinking and become a sullen mess again. I spent my Saturday night blubbering. Told my husband I hated him and what he had done to me. He has taken my life away from me without me even having a say in it. An affair is like a bullet through the heart, the heart heals so it can continue to work, but there is always a hole left in it. Tomorrow, it is a year ago my husband failed the first lie detector test and I found out about the affair and how many lies he had told to protect me from knowing that, including swearing on his children’s lives. I also get very anxious, today sick with the anxiety, when he goes to the office. She has supposedly moved to another country, but as I said to him, he told me the OW could have been anyone and when I say goodbye to him and he goes to the office, there are many women who could be ‘anyone’. He has said he loves me and I replied that this carries no weight as I was repeatedly told this when he was in the midst of an affair giving his love to the OW. He profusely denies the word ‘love’ by the way, but as I said to him, he may not have said those words, but the actions he gave her were that of someone in love and they were not given to me.
19th November 2013
One year ago today he failed a lie detector test, after swearing he told the truth and swearing on his children’s lives , he failed. Then he blamed the accuracy of such tests and still tried to lie his way out it. He loved me that much he’d rather continue lying and see me suffer than tell the truth.Sometimes I feel like giving up, James is right, this is harder than saying it’s over. I don’t know if I’m strong enough, sometimes I’m definitely not strong enough and part of me thinks why should I have to be strong enough, I didn’t want or ask for this. He betrayed me after neglecting me and has ruined my life, nothing is the same . Memories are lost, I have a hatred for anything that reminds me of what he’s done to me, including him sometimes.Despite me telling him, no begging him to change to make me feel Special, romance me, take away those hate feelings for him – he doesn’t . I sometimes feel I’m alone in this and that he’s not even trying. So why stay to feel like this ?He says no to marriage counselling, I think we need it as he doesn’t try and doesn’t talk. I feel so sad and so alone.He neglected me before, then betrayed me, then lied profusely and has done little that I need to renew our relationship.How long do I put up with this?I’ve been a bad mother this past year, lost contact with friends, all while I try and cope, try and heal. I don’t feel I ever will.
25th November 2013Last night as I settled down for bed and closed my eyes, the thoughts took the better of me and I cried. I had to leave bed, go downstairs and do something else. Distraction is a handy tool to forget the troubling thoughts.I said to my husband he had said about six months ago that he would make me happy and not just pretend happy. It’s not working at the moment as most of the time I am pretend happy, for every genuine happy thought, there are two negative ones to bring me down.I feel almost numb to the situation today, I have tried everything, cried a lot and nothing has changed, it still huts as much I just learn to deal with the thoughts and pain, pretend it’s not there and move forward.
4th december 2013Well, I have been having a hard time of it lately. Crying, shouting hatred, unpredictable and moody. The OW is coming back to London on Friday to have her leaving do and the office Christmas party. Mu husband has to make a speech, he has written in her leaving card and donated to her leaving present. It kills me. There is also festivities, such as secret Santa and a Christmas jumper competition.I have not taken the upcoming event well.To top it all, my husband says he is has to go to Dallas on business in January. He rarely goes to the US on business. This kept me awake last night, the two places I said not to go, are Germany and the US, as she is in Munich until she gets a visa then she is in Austin, Texas. Plus all year whilst asking for her work calendar she has been in Dallas a lot. Beginning of January there is a senior conference in Berlin. This is not what I needed to hear, he told me she was gone from our lives, but there it is, she is still there. Irrational as he thinks it is, I cannot be miles away whilst thinking about them possibly being in the same place. He supposedly sees this now and is trying to avoid Dallas. I just wish he would think like me and not even bring the subject up.I am having to force myself to be a loving wife. I feel hatred often for what he has inflicted on me. I keep saying if I was by myself I would have gone by now, but not because I don’t love him, but because I am not strong enough to deal with his affair. I am only here and trying because of our children. They don’t deserve the pain just like me, so I should protect them from that.
6th December 2013
So, the OW has returned for the Christmas party and office festivities, she returned yesterday, luckily my husband was not in the office and he has worked at home all morning, avoiding her for me. I knew though that he had to spend time in her company, presenting in the office to the team, judging a Christmas jumper competition and the secret Santa presents. The office were also having their Christmas Party that night, so spirits were high. I have been a blubbering wreck for two weeks and my husband has pointed out it must be because of this day approaching. Maybe it was.
11th December 2013 Well, I thought life would be getting easier but I still get consumed by grief for what I have lost and I do blame my husband for taking this away from me. Our relationship is probably at its most unstable, I’ll explain. A year ago I was in shock, and still very much in love with my husband and because of this I needed him to support me and be there for me. The shock has gone now and I am left with realisation of the devastation his affair has caused on us and to our life. I frequently have to force myself to be the person he loves, therefore I feel like I’m pretending. My personality has changed, my love for him has changed and my future has changed, none of which I had a choice in or was prepared for. I am no longer placing my happiness in his hands, I used to, my children and my husband were everything to me, my life was about giving them what they wanted and that would make me happy. I now have to focus on my future and my happiness is now having to do what I want and what my children need. I have to face the reality that my husband may not be there in my future as I thought, if he is, it won’t be how I had imagined, the affair he chose has ruined this for me. I no longer worship and adore him, if anything I feel sorry for him, he has disappointed me and I took our relationship for granted, that his love for me was like my love for him. I was asked out for a coffee by a stranger on a bus last week and I just couldn’t go, it felt like I would betray my husband, I just couldn’t do it despite all he has done. I expected him to have the same loyalty, but he clearly didn’t. This is my biggest torment, that he obviously doesn’t have the same loyalty or values as me, when I thought he did.
19th December 2013 Well I should feel Christmassy but don’t, don’t know if it’s the mild weather or the emotional state I feel. My counsellor has said that I have told him two profound things which he hopes I put on my blog because they may help others like me. ‘My values say I should leave, how could he treat me like this? And my heart tells me to stay and fight. It’s exhausting.’ and ‘It is most important to feel like you are not alone, because you feel so alone.’ His reply was ‘that these statements are so so true and that’s the balance thing. It IS exhausting. And I think you do have to stay and fight. But it’s okay to give it a certain amount of time. There’s a time to fight and a time to walk away. The walk away time isn’t yet.’ That’s what got me – ‘the walk away time isn’t yet’, this made me think and reflect on how I feel for my husband.
7th January 2014 So, here it is, a new year. 2013 was a year of understanding, this year will be a year of adapting to my new life and a year in which I am determined to be a bit more selfish. I cried and broke down a few times over Christmas, this is now normal to my husband, but it makes me feel like giving up. That I don’t want to live my life like this, if it wasn’t for my children, I would have gone – because it’s easier for me to runaway than face life with my husband’s affair. As my counsellor says, ‘This is the hard route, but it will be the most rewarding.’ Today my husband has gone back to work. Life is settled when he is at home, today it feels like it has all flooded back into my life. I am saddened with a very heavy heart. As my children have not yet gone back to school we went to visit Daddy at work, first lunch then to his office. Not only did I feel anxious for lunch – wondering if he had been here with her etc . I felt so anxious going into his office, so many reminders and thoughts flooding my head, all I wanted to do was scream and cry, but I couldn’t. He seems to think that just me not going in is the solution, but I have thought about him in that office all day and even though she has gone from that office, her, and what he has done or may have done with her, all the lies and being untrue behind my back – all of it. All the office staff know, I feel like I get the pity look and I hate everyone knowing my husband was not true to me. It makes me feel inadequate, weak, old and unattractive. No one can understand. Recently I was sent an email which said, no condition should be put on the cheated by the cheater, this will not enable full healing and does not show that they are prepared to do anything for the marriage. They show they do not understand and are still selfish, they have lost the right to live the life they want and stay married. Many women who have written to me said their husband’s have given up jobs, moved across countries etc to make sure their marriage and their wife did not suffer anymore. My husband didn’t. My husband stamped his foot and said he will do anything but quit his job or move house. Why would he feel that is right for me? I hate being reminded that he lied, that he was untrue, of this bitch with no morals etc. I am surrounded by reminders and it doesn’t get better with time, they are still there, making me feel inadequate and reducing me to tears. Why doesn’t he see how much this damages me further? Why does he remain selfish to my needs? Why do I stay with someone who makes me feel like this? Why does he not love me enough to see this hurts me?
10th March 2014 I haven’t written on this blog for a while, it is not that I am miraculously healed it is that I am tired of trying. Trying to be normal, trying to function, trying to get by and live with the current circumstances. I turned around to my husband and said I was not bothered anymore. The next day I got upset because I was going through photos and found one of the other woman on my computer and I got upset by him having a meeting with a female suspect where he collected her from her flat, and not telling me he was doing this, so I am bothered. I am so tired of this seemingly never ending scenario.
17th April 2014 I have gone back on to low dose anti depressants as I realised I was not coping without them. My children were noticing the constant crying episodes and I cry less when on them, therefore become a better mother. I went back on the medication as I tried to get my husband to leave me again, plus the constant crying episodes. Since I started taking the medication I haven’t broken down or cried, I have had maybe two episodes where emotions were triggered. I am generally happier in my life and wish to change my life less, it has made me more rational in my approach to life.
23rd May 2014 Ages ago my counsellor told me to Google the five stages of grief, saying I may have not lost a loved one but I have lost a life I knew, a belief in marriage, a lot of other things etc At the time I was in the ‘Anger’ stage. I checked it again and I am more at the ‘ Acceptance’ stage as follows; Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. We must try to live now in a world where our loved one is missing. In resisting this new norm, at first many people want to maintain life as it was before a loved one died. In time, through bits and pieces of acceptance, however, we see that we cannot maintain the past intact. It has been forever changed and we must readjust. Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new meaningful relationships, new inter-dependencies. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time. I am not ‘OK’ nor will I be ‘OK’, this will always be with me, and therefore with ‘us’. He will never be the same nor mean the same to me and my priorities have changed. This is sad and if I dwell on this thought too long it eats me up. Don’t think I am through all of this either, the 11th June is around the corner and it was the anniversary of our first kiss which he destroyed by saying it was the date he had sex with her the first time and a relationship started with her. His words. Words that killed me and still destroy me. The holiday next week is probably the first time I have looked forward to something without a huge black cloud over me. Up until now it has almost felt like pretending to be happy. I think I am beginning to feel happy again and a large part of that is the children and seeing them happy.
1st September 2014 I know I haven’t written for a while, but nothing has changed much. I still feel like I used to, think of what happened every day, think of vengeful acts on OW, but I rarely react to it. I love my husband, but it’s different now, it’s hard to explain, before he was my world now he is ‘there’, that’s the only way I can put it.
8th September 2014 I wrote an email to my husband three days ago, he said he hadn’t read it properly yet but he was going to. Three days have passed and I said he is not taking my emotions or what I want seriously, that’s what it looks like. The email said what I wanted and a compromise. It said I shouldn’t have to compromise as his love for me should be proved, after everything, by doing what I want. I lived my life the way he wanted and look where it got me, now I want to live my life for me and what I want. What do you think?
13th November 2014 I kept thinking of how I’ve changed, what I’ve lost and how our relationship is different. It makes me so very sad. I loved him and never for one moment did I think that he would hurt me so badly, or lie, swearing on his children lives, lying to save his own. I’ve changed because of the pain and hurt, I see the world differently, more pragmatically than living to fulfil my dreams or complete myself. I’ve lost everything that was important to me and I know I’ll never have it again while I’m with him. Maybe with someone else I wouldn’t get ‘it’ either as I’m scarred and will never trust 100% blindly again. My dreams are shattered and will never happen. I can’t get back the dreams fulfilled that I used to cherish but now feel fake, I will never get my future dreams as they relied on building from the dreams of my past. So I am left feeling abandoned and unfulfilled. My relationship with him has changed because of everything I have ever mentioned to him. All those things that come with and make a relationship, trust, respect etc, love is just the foundation and that’s all I have at the moment. In the car this afternoon, another teary moment, I was thinking how I only stayed with him for the sake of the children and that the pain I have to carry is my sacrifice for them so they can feel secure and not from a broken home. If we didn’t have them, despite loving him, I would have left him as the pain is too much for me. He couldn’t possibly understand this intense pain unless I had broken his heart and shattered his life. Sure I get better at coping, but what kind of life is just coping. There isn’t a day I don’t think about it, in two years not a day has passed, I keep thinking it will stop, I try ignoring it, but I love him too much and it will always be there, the pain I will carry for life.
15th December 2014 Well, I never thought I’d be here again. Sobbing my heart out and placing myself away from him. It all started when I complained I was putting on weight despite my efforts. His answer was that I should get my Thyroid checked ( I am on medication and have been since I was 25, he knows that I when I put on weight it has been that my thyroid medication needs to be reassessed – I know he is right). My answer was that I am not a skinny blonde and never will be. That started me crying. There is not a day when I don’t think of the affair, but I have learnt not to react to my feelings. Just this time my feelings won.
28th September 2015 It’s three years. Three years ago today I kept my husband at home to know everything. It is therefore three years since my nightmares began, three years since my life as I knew it changed forever. I wish I could say things are better, but I can’t, still not a day goes by when I think of what he has done, what I’ve lost etc. Today is a very, very sad day. We are still together, but I can’t leave because of my young children who love their Daddy, and he refuses to leave, some days I think I should put myself first, most days I put my children’s feelings first. I have become a cliche ‘living for the children’ just as he is a cliche with ‘a midlife crisis’.
27th June 2016 I have been thinking a lot about what happened, everyday as always! I do not understand people that say their relationship is better now than it’s ever been, maybe they didn’t have the close relationship that I had to start with. Our relationship seems to have changed for me forever. I quite often say it’s that special feeling, when you just know. Someone describes it as being left with an emptiness, that’s true. I do my daily things and act as normal as a wife should, but there is an emptiness, of something I fear I will never get back.
22nd December 2016 Life is fairly normal. The thoughts still hit me daily. Currently my thought is he knew holding hands was wrong, he knew kissing was wrong, he knew touching was wrong, he knew it was all wrong, so why did he do it? I’ll never know and of course I don’t tell him every thought in my head. I am however glad I stayed, as now I need a carer after being diagnosed with an illness that will get worse.