Positives

Who would have thought from such a huge devastation an affair brings on a marriage, that I never anticipated happening, we could end up with possibly a stronger relationship. Here is a list of changes that have occurred in our relationship as a direct result of my husband’s affair.

1. My husband no longer works evenings and weekends

This was by far the biggest reason that my husband forgot who I was.  He was not spending quality time with me.  Hardly talking to me, rarely listening to me and with the travel was hardly in the same room as me.  He wouldn’t come to bed with me and as a result I felt neglected.  At the time he didn’t see anything wrong with the way things were and, although he didn’t say so, blamed me instead.  We had a breakdown of communication as a direct result of his working all hours.

Now we go to bed together all the time, we enjoy the time we have together and spend a lot more time talking, about anything, the way it used to be.  We text, email or phone when we’re apart, just because we want to.  The attention I get from my husband has gone from near zero to way above 95%.

2. My husband now works from home sometimes

This means that even though he may well be working, we still have lunch together or he can collect the children from school, I feel like he belongs to us, rather than belonging to the company he works for.

3. He is being more romantic

This comes from the need to make me feel loved and partly because of his guilt, but it does wonders for my self esteem to feel cherished, loved and thought of often.  It has contributed significantly to me being able to heal.

4. He spends more quality time as a family man

Our children have noticed the change and how Daddy is not attached to his gadgets as much or saying he has to work when they want to do something.  They are loving the fact that they can talk to him or contact him when he is away, it wasn’t so easy for them before. Last summer they were actually saying they hated him.

5. Because of all the above we feel closer than we have in a long time

The closeness was felt as soon as the truth started to reveal itself.  I needed his reassurance and love to make it through those early months.  I needed his dedication to our future to pull me through what I thought was impossible.  I couldn’t be where I am now if it wasn’t for his strength and determination to save our marriage.  This brought us closer as we spent a lot of time together talking.  I still need him, in every way, more so than ever before.

 6. I can see my husband is happier at home

Due to spending more time with me and our family he is in a much happier state of mind, even though his job still provides a degree of dissatisfaction and stress.  He has a spring in his step which wasn’t there before.

7. We have a much better relationship in all aspects

The relationship between the two of us has heightened, due to him being in my life more and communicating more.  We spend much more time talking and we have much more fun in life and in the bedroom!

8. I feel truly loved when I hadn’t had this feeling for a few years

The affair was a big wake up call  for him to change his work/life balance and he immediately tried to change this.  He realised that the knock on affect of him working so hard had caused a communication breakdown between us and a loss of the deep friendship we have.  Just these small changes for me have opened the doors to a husband I thought I had lost to his career.  I now can feel he truly loves me, when before I was told that he loved me often, but rarely felt that feeling of being loved and cherished.  He tells me all the time how much he loves me.




Healing from my husband’s affair with a work colleague Carolin Bonin

2 responses to “Positives

  1. Hi…I’d like some advice. I’ve gotten close to a married man over 4 months. We have shared a kiss but thats it and i feel sick about it. I’m single. He’s been married about 25 years. I am trying to avoid him now. Deleted his number. Minimal convo at work. He is cooperating so far and not texting or coming to my office. I do like him and he likes me but I don’t want to do anything wrong. I respect marriage and what it stands for but I’m not sure how long I can steer clear of him. We don’t see each other that much at work I am part time he is f/time. It might turn out to be ok and fizzle out now but is there anything else I should or could be doing? I’m emotionally involved rather than physical and I want to fix this asap! Thanks in advance x

    • It is so nice to hear that you respect marriage and are trying to avoid an affair. Should this develop into an affair and his wife find out you can show her this post of proof you were looking to escape this situation.

      I think a lot depends on his situation at home and his state of mind. It may well be that he doesn’t want an affair and is horrified to find he is in this position.

      I would speak to him, somewhere in public so there is no chance if anything physical happening. Tell him you don’t want this as an affair, that if he wants you he has to finish his marriage. If he won’t finish his marriage for you then that tells you he will never leave his wife and you mean nothing more than a boost to his ego.

      One thing I would say is there are plenty of single men our there, go and find yourself one, who will value you and make you feel complete. Not a married man who will only see you in borrowed time and has a whole married life that he values more than you, this man is taken. He will walk from his marriage if he doesn’t love his wife, otherwise you’re nothing to him.

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