Recently I discovered my husband’s affair with a work colleague.  He claims to not understand why he had an affair, claims he didn’t even want an affair and does not know why he embarked on an affair.  He truly loves his family and I, we have a great relationship, but this wasn’t enough to prevent him from cheating.

Months have passed and I am still healing.  I don’t know how long it will take, but my husband and I love each other dearly and want our marriage to work.  Although awful, his affair has made my husband refocus on our family and our relationship, which a year ago would have made me so happy. Instead I get my devoted husband back but I am carrying all the pain and hurt of his affair and I have been on an emotional roller coaster since.

This website has been created as I realised I had spent the past few months searching the internet for information on how to deal with affairs in marriage and real stories from other betrayed spouses so I could see I was not alone.  Scarily this happens to many marriages, contrary to what people believe, an affair can happen to good marriages, but why?

On this website you will find information on what I have tried in order to make sense of it all, what worked and what didn’t work.  I trust if you are reading this you are probably in a similar situation as me and I do hope that my journey will provide inspiration and comfort to those who desperately need it.




32 responses to “Background

  1. am also goin tru dis painful ordeal.i reli cnt get ova.i hate to fink he has a baby wid anoda person.its so sad n heart broken

  2. I feel your pain. I felt the same when I found out, he could have got her pregnant or contracted an STD passing it on to me. How could he put my life at risk like that? The best advice I had in those early days was to do nothing for six months, by that I mean don’t overreact and kick him out of your life, stick with it, if he wants the same and shows true remorse things can get better, I promise. He needs to be totally transparent about his life, let you see everything and cut off all ties with this woman. Then he should concentrate on you and make you feel the love you deserve and the love he feels for you. It’s not going to be easy, look at me nearly a year on and I am still hurting, but you learn to heal yourself and deal with the pain, people assure me with time it gets better. If I can help at all I will.

  3. i nid more of ur advise i cny stay focus n getn sik

    • I know first hand how you are feeling, have you read the page on healing? could you perhaps do any of this? the first few weeks are the worst, I couldn’t function, thought about suicide, cried all the time and it was as if the world was in slow motion. I couldn’t even look after my children and they didn’t understand what was wrong with Mummy.

      It was a visit to my doctor that gave me hope, I am not saying this is the best option for you, but for me it was. I came out of the surgery, took the dose of anti depressants and immediately felt happier and able to function. Just getting the advice and the ability to function on a daily basis gave me the energy to focus on events and myself. The doctor would see me every two weeks at first and gave me a check list to fill in to see how dangerously depressed I was, over the weeks there was an improvement, they also referred me for counselling. This is the UK so it may be different else where in the world.

      From then on I have lived one day at a time, and it has got easier. Now, I cry less, can function throughout the day and laugh with friends. Wait six months before taking any decisions, you are in the shock stage which for me lasted about 4 months. Try and read some of the books I recommend on this site, they have helped me understand and get through this awful time.

      Sometimes you just need someone to talk to, I am here if you need me x

  4. I stay in the state of California.I have been married for last more than 10 years and have two children,.My husband has extra marital affair with a married women who has got children.My husband does not want to discontinue relationship with this lady.Although I am working.
    But my financial condition is not such that I can afford to live separately along with my children.Presently we stay in our own house which is jointly owned by me and my husband and all monthly payments are being made by my husband since his salary is much higher than mine.I want to take diverse and he is also agreed for that.
    Please advise the best settlement I should demand so that I can have
    At least present lifestyle for myself and my children,Thanks

  5. I really feel your pain, unfortunately due to me living in the UK I am sure the divorce proceedings are different and as I am not in that situation and my husband is not leaving with the other woman I feel I cannot comment. I wish I could offer some helpful advice. If my husband and I were to separate I would move close to my parents, two hours away, which is cheaper and I could have a chance of maintaining a standard of family living. The alternative, which I would also consider and many of my friends have done through divorce in the UK, is that the husband has to leave the family home and find new accommodation but under the divorce he has to maintain a standard of living that the children are used to. i.e. he has to pay for the rent/mortgage, and a certain amount of money each month that the courts decide adequate. This lasts until they are 18 years old and allows the family to operate as usual but without the husband in the house. One law I wish was in the UK but is not, and I believe is valid in the USA, is that the wife can sue the other woman for damages. I may be wrong but I wish I could do that!! Stay strong, your children need you x

  6. to: R Lal
    I can suggest you should not be the one to get divorce if your husband did not ask for one. Seek having counsel with a Pastor whom you respect. or if you don’t know one inquire. Once you receive biblical knowledge it will make a huge difference. There is life after disappointment. I know I experienced this in my 35 years of marriage. I felt my whole world has ended, I was practically like a zombie for about 2 months BUT there was a woman who shared with me the same ordeal with her husband and said how her husband wanted the divorce…..she said she said “GOD IF YOU ARE REAL, I DONT WANT A DIVORCE, SO IF YOU CAUSED MY HUSBAND TO COME BACK TO ME AND LOVE ME AND NEVER LOOK AT ANOTHER WOMEN AGAIN…….I WILL BELIEVE IN YOU AND LIVE FOR YOU……………She said she prayed that after 7 days the good results came. Her husband broke of the affair and returned home now both of them lives for Jesus………I can say I am living for Jesus and my husband now lives for Jesus……… home is at peace……..not perfect but at peace.

  7. Dear Editor,
    I have been married for 12 years. my husband betrayed me many times. Event when we just got married 12 years ago. And now after 12 years over, he still doing it. But when I found that a month ago he looks really sorry and shows true remorse. He refuse when I ask the divorce. He said that he truly love me and our kids. But I feel so desperate. I feel empty inside.
    Please, I need an advise. Thank you..

  8. I am truly sorry to hear your situation. I can only say what t have said to my husband, in that I am looking to my future now and if it’s not what I want I’m leaving. The letter I read to him is on the progress diary page date 28th July 2013. I made it clear that it is against my values and I wouldn’t tolerate another affair. I would divorce him despite love and children. What kind of life would you live thinking he’s lying and cheating all the time? I would divorce my husband and create a new future for my children and I. Having said that I know it’s not that easy. I thought cheating once would be enough for a divorce, but I was wrong, I’m still here in this marriage. My heart goes out to you and your children, look after them and yourself first x

  9. 21 dec 2008, my beloved husband passed away.. He was just 46.. I was 36. Alone with 3 teenage kids and no family support I poured my heart and soul into my children. By surprise a year later a man smiled at me and we started chatting.. This was the beginning of an 8 month affair.. He had a girlfriend.
    At the time I didn’t care, although I did feel guilty about what we were doing and I tried to end it many times… It was nice having someone think about me. Spending time with me… And we fell in love.
    One day I woke up and realized that I deserved more than an affair, that I was worth more than that and I ended it.. I cut off all contact with him. A week later he was at my door with his things.
    Yes I felt terrible for the other lady.. But I was selfish and I wanted happiness again.
    3 years later and I never thought it was possible to love like this again.. But those 3 years were not easy. I was jealous of any ladies, knowing if he did it with me, he could do it again. We made jokes about it etc to try and make it easier for us.. But still there was always that thought in my head.. ” he’s cheating”.
    This year I was diagnosed as having a brain aneurism and went through surgery..this has changed our lives drastically. I’m no longer this bright and bubbly lass any more and my jealousy was spiraling out of control. Until one day he snapped and left. That night I found out he had been having an affair with a lady for 18 months! Their affair was over for sometime but suddenly it all became clear.. While he had been laying beside me in bed, he was sending her dirty text messages..when I was busy running errands for him, he was with her! Even when I found out , he denied it! But the woman didn’t.. She told me everything! My only consolation is that he couldn’t have sex with her as he couldn’t perform.. She said that it was because of guilt. That each time they tried, he cried!
    He tells me it was nothing, that it meant nothing, it was for the thrill, the excitement. That I am always in his thoughts then and now..
    I tell him he had no thoughts for me while he was with her.
    He has moved back in and we are trying again… But I feel dead inside.. He’s taken my trust, my love, my life and trashed them!
    Many people have told me that it’s karma or my own fault…
    But how is his infidelity my fault?

  10. I cannot really comment as the situation is very different to mine. I am sure you have heard the expression ‘once a cheat always a cheat’. Most marriages which started as an affair don’t last. The man in question is most likely addicted to the ‘new’ sensation of a relationship, the same feeling he had when he met you and continues to search to get that same feeling. Unfortunately for you, you took him to be genuine. If he is truly sorry and shows remorse then he has to become completely transparent, it is the only way to rebuild lost trust, but it sounds like you didn’t entirely trust him before as you were almost waiting for history to repeat itself. I am sorry for the loss of your first husband so very young, he sounds as though he was a lovely man. He would probably be devastated that this has happened to you, the grief of losing your husband probably added to the needing someone new so soon. I know it doesn’t hurt any less that your relationship stemmed from an affair.

    You said you felt awful for the girlfriend at the time but were selfish and wanted happiness, now you know what that poor girlfriend must have gone through. Having gone through this pain myself I would never entertain the idea of stealing another woman’s man, it’s just too much pain to inflict on someone who doesn’t deserve it.

  11. Patience Peprah

    Dear Liz, I totally agree with you and the author on the assessment of your situation. Sometimes I wonder why love, which is the most beautiful feeling, could hurt so badly. But this happens because as humans we have corrupted every good thing we have with our selfishness, and you are both guilty of this. Yet on the other hand I feel your husband truly loves you, and that is something you can hold onto. You both need to be completely transparent about you fears, your hurts and your expectations. Talk thru all these and you both make a commitment to love each other and make it work. If you both truly repent of your past selfishness, there will be sincerity in your forgiveness that brings real healing. There is always hope, if we are willing.

  12. Chacha Wambura

    The problem with people is that we are not ready to share with others the most lovely things we have.

  13. 12 weeks ago today my husband told me the day after our 28 wedding anniversary that he had been seeing another women for 13 months, he met her on a boys weekend and was seeing her weekly when he should have been in work travelling 25 miles each way. The 1st week I was numb but carried on with my life, how I could function at that time I really don’t know. Every day I will bring it up, I won’t to know everything but he won’t tell me (as he says all the sordid details) to spare me for that. I love him so much and I believe him when he says he loves me. The affair has finished but I’m still heart broken, devastated and angry, we are trying to make a go of our marriage and have been away on holidays to try and forget. His answers to my questions are it’s over and time to move on, I’ve forgotten all about it, so I should do the same but I’m finding it difficult. Sometimes his answers to my questions are so insensitive I could just curl up in a ball and die. I want to find this other woman and put my pain to rest but he won’t give me her address, perhaps that’s a good thing. I started checking the milage on his car to make sure he only travels to work and back but this action makes me sad. I thought we had an half decent life together now that the 2 children are grown-ups we have nice holidays. I now need to trust him and start to rebuild our life together and not let this finish us.

    • I am sorry to hear of your heartache. My marriage Sherpa counsellor is always telling me that the healing is on the betrayed terms and if a husband says to move on it shows a clear message that they do not understand the depth of the pain they have caused. You can’t move on until your ready to move on. You should get your husband to understand, my husband too didn’t at first, but now does. I made him listen to the book ‘how to help your spouse heal from your affair’. I made him listen as he’ll never read it! I also send him the comments made from my marriage Sherpa counsellor, he has really helped me see that pain needs to be listened to and understood and that healing is moving on with your own self and rebuilding your self esteem, you’re husband can’t do that, so when you are ready, look to yourself. He sent me to google the 5 stages of grief, very helpful. What your husband has to understand is that what is his past, is now very much your future, as much as he wants to forget and move on, he has dealt with his feelings, it’s his past, now he has to help you, be supportive and reassuring as his past is now your present pain and your future. You can’t move on until its dealt with. Part of the healing is him telling you any details of the affair you need to know, he can’t choose what to say. Look at my jigsaw analogy on the ‘healing’ page, that helped my husband finally understand. You won’t start healing till your questions are answered and the how and why questions stop. Love to you, remember its not your fault, it’s your husbands inadequacy and flaw x

  14. Editor
    All these sites i have come across help me not to feel alone. No one understands the pain of a breakup. Before that happens to me I thought I would be okay and ready to move on. It has been now 16 months since my husband of 24 years told me that he was in love with someone…and I still cry everyday despite all the psy help I am getting. Is this an affair? He moved out? Shall I give up or still keep some hope that his craziness will end!

    • I really feel your pain. It’s a horrible situation to lose your spouse to an affair. Take comfort from knowing there is a very high failure rate for relationships born from a secret affair, once relationship reality hits and there are no more secret meetings, the relationship begins to crumble. It is a relationship which thrived on secrets, lies and illicit behaviour, it won’t last in the normal world.

      My counsellor says the most attractive thing for men is confidence. Not big breasts or a pretty face. Work on yourself, I know it’s hard as I’m trying to do the same thing. Show the world what a beautiful confident woman you are and your option will be many men, not just your husband! If you truly want your husband back, find the strength within to show him exactly what he fell in love with, he’ll miss you and beg to come home. X

  15. I’m so glad I found you/this. As I am in a similar boat. It’s only been a month since I found out. I have told my husband I forgive him and I have done what I feel like to forget about the other woman. My problem now is that I feel like I can’t move on. I love my husband dearly and wish to be with no one else. But the affair stripped me of my self confidence and self esteem. I know its not my fault, but how did you rebuild this in yourself? I know I can’t fully forgive and move on until I myself feel whole. I feel like a needy girlfriend, who needs constant reassurance from her partner. My husband and I are very close and affectionate, but this stupid doubt is always in the back of my mind.

  16. Its been five months since I discovered that he had been cheating on me with someone else for over five years and she knows everything that goes on in our home, I am still hurt but my husband feels like I am taking things overboard. I feel like putting a trail on him and call everytime he is not home at 9pm. I am going out of my mind because I don’t see him leaving a relationship of five years over night. I might be falling into depression and I need help fast. I live in Nigeria and all the advise I get is to hold on and not leave so that the other woman does not have a chance to come in. But at what expense, I am going crazy. it is shrug off shoulder issue for him as he will not talk and neither does he show any emotions towards my grief. Am I with the wrong person???

    • If this was me I’d like to think I’d leave him. Five years is a long time, also he is not showing remorse or regret or anything to suggest he would like the marriage to work. Things the betrayer must do; become open and transparent, in order to rebuild trust and stop you from worrying about him. Cut off all ties with the OW, this should be done by letter, email or person, but YOU should be involved so you know it has happened.

      Only you can decide. X

  17. i am so happy i came across this site…i have been looking at so many other sites but after reading all these comments i feel i have finally come to the right place. I recently found out that my husband that i have known for 23 years and married for 13 years had an affair. the hardest part is this woman was like a sister to me, our kids go to the same school and we bacame bestfriends, our families did everything together. She had other motives, her goal was to be with my husband, so she pushed and did all she could to get my husband’s attention, calling his phone, sending texts messages which later led to them sexting. The bad thing was at the time my husband and i were having some problems. I started noticing him taking very long showers, always with his phone, going out all the time….and i would confront my husband but he would lie and get angry with me. He even went to my family crying saying that I was accusing him. I eventually could not take it anymore and I bugged the car and I got a whole conversation of them. She called and my huband called her “my love” this was my nickname, he told her he loved her twice. I confronted him about the affair and he got angry told me that he would end it. it’s been about one month since i confronted him. I am having a very hard time moving on…one day i will be happy and believing i am moving on and the next day i would be down, depressed and crying. My husband and i love eachother so much, but can our love help us get through this, he promises that he will never leave me, we talk everyday I tell him my fears and he listens but i feel eventually he will get fed up because i always bring up that conversation i heard. It kills me inside because here i am fighting to save my marriage and our love and the woman he had the affair with her husband doesn’t even know she does this kind of thing and believe me my husband is not her first. At times i get so angry and hurt that i can’t even look at my husband. I love him sooo much, i adore him. i want to move on…..i want my life back….

  18. Just a few days ago i came to know about his affair which has been going on for four years! When i confronted my husband, he says he still loves me a lot and would never leave me. Infact the other woman will always be her keep only. I don’t know what to do. Please help me…

  19. My husband confessed to me a month ago that he had an affair 20 years ago with the wife of a couple we went out sometimes with. I am devastated. We have been married 40 years with 3 grown up children who are also devastated at his betrayal. She supposedly seduced him with basque and suspenders but I would never have believed he could act on this if he hadn’t told me himself. Seems she wanted my life. My husband is CEO of a well known company so money is not a problem and this “friend” obviously did everything she could to take him away including oral sex and anyway he wanted. He was a weak fool. Did any of the two of them think further than their last sex session. I am hurt, angry, suicidal and everything in between. I can’t get the images out my head. My husband won’t discuss it anymore because he wants to move on but I can’t. I’ve told him I can’t move on because the pain is so bad so he has moved out a is staying in a hotel. He says he’s sorry and knows it should never have happened but I say he didn’t give me or the kids a thought 20 years ago wen he was going to her house for sex. Her husband doesn’t know about it we think so I feel she got away with ruining my life without the consequences. Any advice on should I let him away with not talking about it or let him stay away in the hope he finally realises he owes me that much.

    • 20 years ago! How did you find out? He told you? Why after all these years? How long did he see the OW? If he wants the marriage to continue then he should be given a chance if you love him too. Make it clear this behaviour is not tolerated and should it happen again he’s out for good. My husband has said he doesn’t expect anything less and he’s grateful for the opportunity to prove he’s a better husband and father. I am away and unable to type much. I will reply further next week. What is his past is now your present pain x

  20. Hi, I have been going through the same ordeal for the past nine years. We hav been together for the past nine years n hav been married for three years, he has been having affair wit different kinds of women, any time i find he apologize n says dat it is me dat he loves n he makes me feel like it is my fault . I always find out when I hi thru his fon as a result of dat he has put lock on his fon but fortunately for me I hav been able to unlock it n found out dat he has started another one I feel like he is neva goin to stop. I am so frustrated, so sad I can’t think of any good thing I really want to live him but am not working and am still in school.we hav a baby together I don’t know what to do how do I get over this n I love him

    • It is always very hard when children are involved, but the best thing you can do for them is to be happy in yourself, if you want to do this with him then that is your choice. For their sake it is best to do what is right for you as a happy parent, even separated, is better than unhappy parents together. Maybe separation is the shock he needs to realise what he is throwing away. I pray for you, big hugs and lots of love, keep strong x

  21. I love these reply

  22. I found out my husband was having an affair with a girl from work when I was 20 weeks pregnant with my first child, he left me (well kicked me out of his house and swiftly moved her in) I had our child alone and raised him. I filed for divorce 6 months later and he came crawling back! I ‘forgave him’ we went for councelling and we finally got our marriage back on track. Though we never really discussed it everything was sweeped under the carpet and I am not sure he ever really apologised for his actions. Fast forward a couple of yrs another pregnancy and 6 days after our second child was born during an argument he tells me the marriage is over again. I ask if anyone else but denys. After 8 months or trying to guess and living under the same roof I move out and 2 weeks later I finally discover he is having an affair with his ex best friend ex girlfriend! He has now moved her into his property, he will not confirm affair, but after 5 years of marriage I can only ask myself what is so wrong with me???? I am beyond hurt and betrayal and he seems to not have any consequence to his actions, he moves on with his life and I am the one left holding the babies. Though I do not want him to have my babies they are my world. How on earth do I move past this???

  23. I can imagine the pain u ladiesr going through! I recently found out a coversation my husband has had with his ex-girlfriend’s friend! How horrible it was! He had asked her if she knew where and what happened to his ex girlfriend ! And wanted to meet her after 7 years to know why she left him! And god knows what else? We’ve been married for 5 years and he’s shown me he,s happy with me ! But I guess it’s all a lie! If he’s happy why on earth would he wanna google her and look where she lives and try to meet her? Men expect my father are horrible characters!!! What do u say???

  24. hi everybody,
    please advise me…………
    From last three years I love one girl . when she is single and still in university ,
    But when she inform to mom and family they refuse her then she inform to everyone .
    And finally they force her to get marry and I have no contact with her. After one month she call me ……
    And she is still in her husband home but she is still love me even one time she leave everything
    And left her house for me and then her parents promise me to return her
    We give you as a your wife and again from last two month no more contact .
    Please advise me what can I do ?? do and die????

  25. To you all,
    My story is a little bit different from the rest of you and I would like to give you a different perspective on this, I don’t think it will help you deal with the pain or angst you have been going through but it might help in some small way to question your partner or try and understand in the very least why he feels the need to find sexual gratification elsewhere, maybe all it will do will give you a different perspective, but if I do hurt or offend any of you I am truly sorry and it was not my attention.

    I am single, after finishing a 6 year relationship 18 months ago, there was always trust and it didn’t end by one of us cheating. We parted for very different reasons, thankfully a lack of trust was not one of them. I have in the last sox months started dating again but not looking for anything serious, so you could say I’m on some of the more “shadier” dating websites! I abhor men who “go looking” to cheat on their wives and don’t wish to get involved with anyone else’s man, as I believe in karma. One of the websites I’m on amalgamate all the profiles from about 20 different dating websites, so unfortunately mine shows up on “extra marital affair” amongst others. I found I was getting an incredible amount of attention from married men so I snubbed them, lectured them, gave advice to them, never entertaining them. But they always persisted with contacting and mailing me on the site. So out of curiosity I wanted to find out why they were so desperate to have sex with me or other women on the website. I always asked them the same question why do you want to risk your relationship for sex with someone you’ve met online? I would tell them if your relationship isn’t working you really have two options, work on it/ go to counseling etc.. if its worth saving or leave, why cause all this potential hurt? most interestingly they nearly all gave me the same answers.

    I found their reasons and excuses for looking for sex elsewhere sadly unsurprising, 99% of all of these men claimed first of all that their relationship was important to them, they made it very clear they did not want to leave their wife/ girlfriend/ fiancé, and that they loved them, and that there was nothing wrong with their relationships’. You can guess what was my next question! However although they still had sex with their partner, it was “boring” “predictable” “unsatisfying”, those that had children all claimed they hated the fact that their partner wanted very little sex since their children were born that their partners sex drive was virtually nonexistent these days, another excuse they used was that their wives didn’t indulge their fantasies’, give oral, have sex in dangerous places (ie in public places, or the back garden etc..) they wanted to have threesomes and claimed they asked their wives about this, but they balked at the idea of having a threesome or attending a swingers party. To sum it up in a nutshell ” they love their partners but need more sex especially risky sex than they can provide”. They all needed the thrill of the chase and the danger and adventure of enjoying a new woman sexually, especially their willingness to get “naughty” and partake in oral, (both giving and receiving) as well as a bona fide threesome etc.. (they knew from my profile that I actively enjoy and attend swing parties and clubs as well as same sex sessions and threesomes) This was just incredibly appealing to them but in fairness all the single men join them in this one also!

    Now I know what most of you are thinking at this stage, that you in fact do have sex with them and do indulge them when they plead you for it, even when your exhausted after a hard days work, as well as running your household, and yet you still indulge him and have sex with him anyway even though you’d like to just fall asleep! for goodness sake you have gone on weekends away which has been all about the lovemaking! I know i’ve been there also, I remember the times my ex you used to look for sex and when I said no, he would go sulking into the study to jerk off and look at porn, thankfully he never cheated or not that I know of anyway, as one thing I have learnt from this is that that there are literally HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of men cheating out there! Men have a seemingly insatiable sexual desire, I have warned some of my friends when they are going through dry patches in their marriages with little or no sexual relations, to be careful cause if they’re not “satisfying” them, some one else sure as hell is! they tell me “this couldn’t possibly happen that they love each other so much.. john, Dave, Sam would never cheat on me” and that “their relationship is worth so much more to them than some sordid sexual fling”! Now I know their husbands and I cant imagine they would cheat on them either, so I usually log onto my profile and scroll through the hundreds of men’s profiles who have messaged me, who all claim to be married in a relationship and need sex and passion with strangers as their wives are just not satisfying their desires. This makes my friends usually go pale and then they thank me for my honesty on this, in fairness I just don’t want to see them go through the same pain as you all have gone through. I can remember staying up all night, drinking wine and comforting one of my close friends a few years ago after she found out her partner of 9 years was cheating on her. That memory is close in my mind as I peruse the dating websites and why I’d like to see as many couples (especially the ones I love and are dear to me) avoid this terrible situation.

    I hope that in some way I have helped you, maybe its nothing you didn’t already know, I cannot give you advice on what you need to do, and in truth no one really can, one thing my mother always used to say to me know one really knows what goes on in someone else’s relationship, you can only offer comfort and support and advice, and hope they make the right decision for themselves.

    I do also find myself wondering if we all are in fact capable of being monogamous, sex is such a potent and strong desire, especially in the opposite sex, if we cant provide it, that primate instinct in us will look for it wherever we can find it. I also work in a completely male dominated industry, nearly all of the men I know here are married or in a relationship, that has not stopped a lot of them from coming on to me. Including three in the last year whose wives were pregnant. Needless to say they got a severe tongue lashing from me, which they didn’t like, but thankfully I made them feel a little shame about what they had just tried to do. I now post on my profile that I’m not interested in other girls men and thankfully I don’t get near as many contacting me anymore, although some still persist hoping I’m going to change my mind. Maybe I’ll copy and paste a link to this website to show these irresponsible men just what sort of emotional pain and damage they can cause, they wont like it, but it might just strike a chord with them on just how much they stand to lose.

    I wish you all the best in the decisions you need to make on whether to stick with it, or start fresh. If nothing else I hope you understand that not all women will indulge men in relationships, sadly though it wont stop most girls, the danger is just too exciting.

    Poppie. X

    • Hi Poppie,

      Thank you for a different perspective to the other comments on this website.

      I am sure in many instances this is true and I do see this in my friends who are going through a ‘dry patch’. Anyone who knows me though knows I have a high sex drive and am prone to some ‘kinkiness’ or spicing things up, I have rarely said no to sex. I do appreciate that it can get boring though, for both partners. In my case when my husband was working so hard he would only come to bed with me when he wanted sex, I knew this and was not always in the mood, sometimes tired, had been looking after kids for days on end with no help, but I always obliged with sex. One of his reasons for an affair was that he didn’t feel loved during sex, I pointed out my previous comment. We had lost that communication and that transferred to our sex life. I would tell him at the time, I’d say things like, ‘you only come to bed at the same time as me for sex’ and ‘you have to put more effort into the daily romance if you want me to feel frisky, don’t ignore me all week then expect me to be up for sex’. It’s different for men and women, I wonder how many men you meet who are willing to cheat realise they are ignoring the wives needs, it’s a vicious circle that relationships fall into. If a man puts the time and effort into romance and love for their wife, their wife then feels so special to them they are more than willing to show their adoration and admiration in the bedroom. I hope that makes sense!

      The book ‘His needs, Her needs’ is a great book for all relationships, I think sometimes in a long term relationship it is good to refocus on the needs of each other as it gets lost in the day to day responsibilities. Unfortunately my husband didn’t listen to me and embarked on affair he didn’t want. It took this affair to make him realise what he was doing to us. Although incredibly painful for me, and him, the affair has made us refocus on ‘us’ and our needs. This is something that many people in long term relationships don’t do and I can understand how many couples say they have a better relationship after an affair.

      If you get a chance then tell the husbands to refocus on the needs of their wife, put the time in to the relationship and they will see the benefits in renewing the spark with their wife they think they’d lost, it’s there, they are just ignoring each others needs. Unfortunately it lays with the husband to be overly affectionate to the wife and many men are not good at this! Even point them to this website – it might make them think!

      Editor x

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